I think many men often mistake a woman being congenial as them being interested. I am a mannerable person so when I meet someone I smile, give a firm handshake (which oddly I am often commended on lol), and engage people in friendly conversation. Whether I know you or not I treat you as a friend until you do something to make me feel uncomfortable or piss me OFF! This is how I was raised. No matter what a person looks like or how they may come off initially they are worth that respect. Now recently I have discovered that CERTAIN men feel like because you engage them in conversation that you are interested in them.
THIS IS NOT TRUE!
I know from my male friends that they often have this same problem with women. Just because I engage your ass in conversation does not mean I am interested in YOU! I smile and greet human beings all day with courtesy and respect. Please do not mistake that as flirting. I am a networker as well as a social person so quite often I will genuinely ask questions when I meet people and have a decent conversation. Now fellas, if you decide during this convo that you are interested and express this PLEASE don't be mad if I tell you that was not my intent. If that is all you wanted for real I will understand if you no longer want to carry on a conversation with me! Cool, catch ya on the flipside. However I have noticed that men seem to stick around and give you a mean undertone after this.
Some Points....
1) A male bup was telling me that he was making conversation with a woman in a DC lounge and after finding out some things about her professionally he asked for her number. She quickly responded "Oh no I have a boyfriend." He said in his head he was thinking, "Bitch I don't care I was going to pass your resume on to my friend!" He was so turned off by her quick response though he just laughed in her face and walked away. See this is why I am always nice. You never know a person's intent. I often give out my number because I do contractual work in my profession. Now I'd appreciate if it were not abused if it is given to you under the pretense of BUSINESS! If I give my number to someone who I have not flirted with in the least and they call trying to holla it really bothers me. Be straight up about your intentions.
2) Now I am willing to admit my faults in these situations. It sometimes is hard for me to tell a nice gentleman that I am just not interested in him. SO I may throw clues such as "I do not give my number out in bars." or "Actually I have a boyfriend." This is after you have made it clear that you are trying to holla! But my attitude will not change. I will not become mean or short. However, if I feel you do not get the point I will reiterate or politely excuse myself. This is part of the reason I am hesitant about excepting drinks in bars. I feel like some men think this is a way to buy your company for the evening. However, I will take a drink acknowledged the sender thank them and go about my business.
3) Now this is where it gets difficult. I have noticed that some men who are casual acquaintances feel like if they take their interest in you to a different level and you aint on that level then you are leading them on. Just because I say we can do lunch does not mean I am interested. I planned on payin my own check! HELL, I thought we were cool. You talk to me about other women! I have never expressed any interest in you. We just know each other and occasionally talk like two social human beings. And even when you did express your interest it was never reciprocated but I am still going to be nice! However, if I feel you do not get the point I will cut you off!
Men, am I completely off base with this? If I am please let me know! I am nice to people in general, maybe too nice. In my head I can think wow this guy is not at all my type to date but you are still cool! And guys I am interested in KNOW it! I am very direct when I am genuinely interested in a man so I feel like the difference in temperament is clear.
Here's a funny anecdote to close out this entry:
So I was at a Sports Bar alone a few weeks ago to watch some football. ( I am a huge NFL fan and sometimes I just like to go watch games with other people who appreciate it as much as I do. And also I do not have cable because I am not at home enough to watch it.) So I go to a place up the street get a beer and begin to chat with some of the bar regulars. So this woman who was a LOUD Cowboys fan was cuttin up the whole time in the bar. So EVERYONE was laughing at her but I noticed she began to talk to me more. I figured it was because we were both women surrounded by men. This was until she straight out asked me if I was into women. I was appalled that this lady thought I was flirting with her but kindly told her I was not wired that way and she had clearly gotten the wrong idea. This woman is a regular at the bar so all the guys knew what was coming the whole time so they just wanted to see my reaction. But this bitch was PERSISTENT! The guys were like, "Leave her alone she said she don't get down like that!" as they laughed! After the woman left the guys told me "You can come back she's not here that often. LOL" Talk about being embarrassed and being too nice!!! *Shakin my damn head.*
5 comments:
Up&Coming,
I am a male and I have this problem as well. I have been accused of outright deception before, and my responses have been variations of the following: "It's not that I treat you special, it's that I treat you with respect."
However, what do you do when the guy (or, in my case, girl) that you talk to is every bit as nice as you? Every bit as engaging as you? Appreciates your humanity, just like you appreciate his?
This has happened to me, and once it became clear that she misunderstood my intentions, she cut ME off! Thing is, I respect her for her trade and did not want/need a relationship. When I clarified my interest she told me "well, then f--- off"(her actions, not her words).
I think this type of perception is common among many. It all depends what's going on in your life or whether you're just in a networking stance. It's all about networking now, because I've ran into a few people on the train, at bars, lounges, clubs (where I'm not at that often). Being genuinely nice isn't a trait that many have. Some people have other intentions. For example, sometime over the summer I was shopping downtown on a Saturday and it was pouring. It was just my luck that I brought a large umbrella along. I happened to pass one of the city schools next to this bagel shop on 14th or 23rd Street, I can't recall exactly. So I noticed this little white girl who just exited the building preparing herself to get drenched. Something inside me told me to put the umbrella over her head and I did. I asked, "you headed this way?" Her reply was, "Yes." She was so happy, but felt sorry to be taking me out of my way. It was only a block further than where I intended on going. I walked her under the protection of my umbrella to the train station and sent her on way. Along the way she talked of her plans in school and I of my career. It was nice and cordial, that's all.
An example about networking, though, was over the summer as well when I went out to Club BLVD with my cousins for this Ol' School Hip-Hop night. Talib was supposed to perform and never did!!!! But I ran into a huge group of people that work for a comic book producing company. I've always been a fan and have recently been thinking of writing one, since my drawing days are long gone. I've been in contact with a few of them learning about the business.
I feel you though.
I can attest to the being too nice. A lot of guys ended up liking me because I would engage them in conversation. I'm the type of person that you could be talking about molecular biology, if you make it sound interesting, I will listen.
I could listen to someone talk for hours and that's cool because people love to talk. (I don't know if this skill is wearing off since graduation).
I remember one time I went to Walmart and after a certain time they close off one of the entrances. So I had walked all the way down to the entrance where I parked and they closed it off so I started walking the other way. When I was walking back I told this guy "Oh it's closed down there." I guess that statement gave him the invitation to hit on me.
He ended up talking to me in the parking lot and I just took his business card so I could go home.
Girl, you're preaching to the converted! Some guys just don't understand that being polite to them and engaging in pleasant conversation isn't synonymous to me being interested in them in that way.
I used to be so rude when I was a bit younger to guys who approached me in a disrespectful manner, but with nice guys, how are we supposed to act nice without them thinking that you're leading them on? When you figure that one out, please let me know!
Once again, great post!
See... this is a double edged sword.... Because then you got some women who act the SAME way when they ARE in fact interested... Another thing is, most dudes don't care enough about the potential of a relationship as strictly platonic, which is why they will go hard on any and every female with an open ear.
But ultimately, I wouldn't say they are necessrily wrong for assuming that, but if they continue against your will, then thats when they ODing.
But you must admit ladies, ya'll are some complex beings. It's hard to real ya'll. But at the same time, it's 2008, why the hell are ya'll still feeling bad about someone else's feelings.... they need to just MAN UP! lol. Tell it like it is, so u can avoid the stalker calls, and the nagging, and all the other nuances.
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