The Elephant in the Room

Over the past four years I have entertained a few casual relationships. But back in 2006 I fell in love....HARD! At the time we were both too young to deal with the feelings and it did not last. Good thing it ended because there were many things in my life that I wanted to do that I probably would not have done if I were in a relationship with him. I moved to a different city, moved to a different country, and dated different men. I can say I would not have done most of these things if I was tied down in love in a relationship. However, this man was always in the picture. We always kept in touch and as much as I tried to cut him off I couldn't. In addition, every relationship I have tried to entertain, casual or semi serious he has been the "Elephant in the Room". The man that I am still in love with and am trying to forget but CAN'T!

So before I left South Korea "The Elephant" re-emerged. He was coming back into my life like he always did from time to time but this time with a different approach. The approach this time was more than the usual "just wanted to see how you were doing." This time it was a direct "I am coming back to take my position approach." Of course he was more subtle about it but it soon became clear to me what he wanted when he straight asked me, "Soooo what are we doing when you get home?"

So returning home I was excited yet nervous about the love that was awaiting me. I was afraid of being hurt again and it being more severe due to the fact that this wasn't just anyone. This is my "Elephant in the Room." However I must say that this Elephant never led me on. If we were friends he never tried anything. He was a gentleman and kept it platonic. He never wanted to confuse or taint our relationship. So I knew the fact that he wanted to change our relationship back and do it so drastically was a sure sign that this man was ready to be with me and nothing was casual about it.

And thus far that's how it has been....... :-)

Ummm....What About The Ring?

So recently I have noticed more and more women I know are having babies. It's like a damn epidemic. Granted I know we are at that age and this is about the time when many young adults begin to start families. However that's just it, START FAMILIES. In my opinion starting a family starts with an engagement followed by a marriage. But many of these women are having babies with long time boyfriends or men they were just dating and decided that they were going to have these babies. My question is this...... Is marriage obsolete in the situation of having a baby now?

My answer is NO! I personally do not plan on having a baby UNLESS I am married and I have discussed this thoroughly with my significant other. (Now I understand accidents can happen which is why as a woman I am personally doing everything I can to make sure there are no accidents.) Like seriously, I don't get it ladies. Now say for instance you are getting up there in age and you just want to have a baby before your body gets too old to reproduce. In this case I can kind of understand the whole getting pregnant without a ring. However, the women I am referring to are between the ages of 22-28. Like can someone explain to me why you are having numerous babies for a man you are not married to? You are educated, beautiful and young. Now fellas be honest, let's say you meet this attractive and moderately successful woman and you all go out for dinner. How are you going to feel when she tells you that she has two kids? You still going to want to get dessert?

I guess my thing is this, I feel the sanctity of marriage is something that is often overlooked in our generation especially among Blacks. Which could be argued is why the state of the black community and the black family is effed and blah blah blah. (I really do not want to venture too far down that road.) I have spoke to quite a few black men about this topic and how ultimately I want to be married before I start a family.

I often get met with comments like:

What is that marriage certificate really gonna do for you?!

I mean as long as you the "main" you should be good. If everything works the way it is why you need to get married?

Man you just want the jewelry!

If we been together for 6 years and it works like this why must we get married to bring meaning to it? It's meaningful just the way it is.

Fortunately for me none of these men are MY man. (Whew!) But people you all don't see the problem with this school of thinking? And women you don't see the problem with being a "baby mama" or long term "wifey" and not his actual WIFE? Let me enlighten you all then. If he wants an out, he has one that's why he won't marry your ass. Simple as that. Now if you are okay with having a baby with someone like that or with a man that just isn't ready to be a real husband than yes we do have a chronic problem within our community.

Finally let me say this, I am the product of a couple that was never married. I was blessed to have two parents that made a GREAT parental team despite the fact that they never got married. Still as a person who grew up in this situation I know the negative effects it can have on that child. Which may be even more reason why I am determined not to have my children out of wedlock.

Strictly Platonic?

Today, something happened and I talked to one of my HOME BOYS in the most platonic way. He was updating me on his life, and I realized that I have some of the most AWESOME male friends. Sometimes when I am sad or down, these wonderful guys can always make me laugh.
OR...
Sometimes they just appreciate DC Bup for her.

But most of all they give me hope that there remains some good guys out there. I mean, my male homies are TOTALLY on Point. These men are handsome, intellectual, professional, genuine, ambitious, and caring men.

PAUSE...

Dammit ...Clearly I am Friend zoning the wrong guys??

HA! J/K

Honestly, I truly love these men. But just not like dat. And although we both recognize the GREAT things about each other, we understand we are not... we just not like dat!

Ho into an Hosband?

Based on a True Story... (Written on a Sunday Afternoon during a Saints Game...)

I know this buppie man, Reggie , I never knew him to ever have a girlfriend. I would see him all over the city. Doing what I see many men do, going after ass. He always appeared so slimy to me so, I never really got too close to him. However, we had lots of common friends.

One of our common friends, Kim, grew up with Reggie. Kim and I are very cool buppie chicks and naturally bonded. A few years ago, I was catching up with my homie Kim. She mentions that Reggie has a jumpoff in Chicago that he would just come in town and EFF. Kim stopped associating herself with this Chicago chick. (Excommunicated like a homosexual Muslim.) Kim thought it was beyond tacky of Chicago, because Chicago knew that Reggie had a girlfriend in Boston.

OH WORD?! #Welldamn. I knew he was a slime ball.

Anyway, I chat with Kim the other day (and years later) and she says she is going to Reggie's Wedding.

I ask, "Who is he marrying?"
Kim informs me it is quite an interesting situation. "Boston. All of Reggie's boys are trying to talk him out of it. Boston is such a good girl. His boys are like "What are you doing dude?!!?" Reggie has been effing Chicago since him and Boston got together."

I ask, "Wow. How can Boston not know?"
Kim says "I have no idea. But she is not with him in DC or Chicago. So maybe since she is not close..."

I , always giving folks the benefit of the doubt , ask "Really, how do you know he is still effing Chicago?"
Kim, who lives in Chicago, says " This NASTY A$$ N!GGA He came in town last week and asked to use my couch to BEAT. Seriously, I was like please stop. When I said no, Reggie asked one of his boys can he spend a night on his couch. BOOM. Boy walks into living room, he see's Reggie and Chicago getting it in right there on the man's couch. That ho is nasty."

I shook my head. "Why does he feel the need to get married?!"
Kim, "Well apparently he thinks marriage will change him."

Change him?! This is so deep.

Can you imagine that the man you love and are going to spend your life with has never been dedicated to you? NEVER!?! Not a slip up, because sometimes a slip up occurs. But a regular intimate relationship with another woman?

Then Chicago. How dumb is she going to feel? When he stops effing her? Or if he continues to eff her during his marriage, to know she was never good enough to be serious with?

But mainly lets discuss this dude Reggie?! How completely and utterly selfish of him?! To be so unfaithful and only think of himself. How can he really think this is going to work? Something is not satisfied in him, if he feels the need to continue to eff Chicago. Why not just wait it out? Why the rush?! Sow them oats! Put a hold on commitment.

But I ask you all out there, is it possible for Reggie to really change and become faithful just because he jumped the broom?

Oh Match!

This is CaliTransplant... yup a native LA girl trying to make it in the DC world. I will be dropping by to share some of my experiences here in the DMV from time to time. Today my entry is dedicated to DC dating, match.com style.

So I joined match.com within days of my move to DC. I was ready to get the ball rolling immediately. I wanted to cut out all the hoops and circles traditional “sifting thru the b*ll$hit” or “romantic networking/interviewing” involved. Was that desperation? I don't think so, I call it tenacity. Let's be honest, I moved to DC to be surrounded by successful professional black people and I figured the internet would be the quickest way to filter out the potentials.

And what did Match.com yield? Three prototypes that, should you ever consider jumping on the internet dating bandwagon, avoid like the plague!

The Misrepresenter: (yeah I made up the word!) – Yes, he lied! I expected a certain amount of truth stretching considering the forum we met, but STRETCHING THE TRUTH ABOUT HEIGHT is pretty much a NO-NO. He had me anticipating a man 6 feet plus, so I cranked out the “KILL EM GIRL” heels, showed up to the date, and was looking down on Napoleon. (And I am of average height)

New rule, whatever they write on their profile, subtract 2 inches.

The Bore: Physically, a delightful specimen. Intellectually, it was like watching paint peel! BORING AS HELL! This probably could have been avoided had I engaged in more than one telephone conversation with the man. MY BAD!

New rule, have at least two voice conversations, longer than 15 minutes, prior to the date.

The Absconder: This character takes the cake! Still scarred from “The Bore” I made sure to engage him in decent conversation on multiple occasions and determined he was date-worthy. And what happened you ask? He up and left in the middle of the date. Yup. Straight up BOUNCED! AFTER he called to push back the date by 30 minutes TWICE and AFTER rescheduling the date from the previous week because he was "under the weather”. THIS MAN LEFT!

-Scene-

Holding half a glass of chardonnay in my hand, this man stood up, closed the tab, dug in his pocket for a cash tip and then glanced over to me and asked nonchalantly “You done?”

I still had HALF A GLASS OF WINE IN MY HAND – No sir, I am not done! Did I say that? No, rather I held my glass up towards him indicating that the glass was Still HALF FULL, to which he replied “Ready?”

WTF!!!!! READY???!!!!????? What did he mean? In that instant, I was lost. Is he asking me or telling me? Ready for what? Ready to hit up the next spot? If so, with me? Without me? Ready to part ways for the night? What the hell did that damn “ready” mean?!

So in a confused stupor, I respond "…Well let me just chug this wine and I’ll be good…" And then he said - CLINCHER- : "Don't rush..I'm just gonna (inaudible)....excuse myself."

Ahhhhhh! I get it now!

-End Scene-

New rule, "ready" is now defined as - (adv.) IMMA UP AND LEAVE YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DATE.

I know you are wondering, what happened to make him “ready”. Not sure really, but the date wasn’t exactly smooth to begin with. Besides the late start and rainy weather, He was a LOUDTALKER. LOUD AS HELL, to the point where other people kept looking at him CRAZY and I became self-conscious and uncomfortable. Then, facing the possibility of being temporarily deaf in my right ear, I had to tell him, politely, "whoa you are like yelling." (Hmm can that be said politely?) So all of that, in combination with awkward pauses, darting eyes and him sweating in his sports coat, eventually made him "ready."

FYI, I am on a match.com sabbatical, going to do it the old-fashioned way now – circulating and networking – I am sure it will reveal an experience just as colorful. Be on the lookout for an upcoming entry – DC dating – ol skool style.

My Degree Got Me Single

“Black men are more likely to marry outside of their race, and black women are more likely to marry outside of their education."

-Hannah Bruckner, who leads the Center for Research on Inequalities and the Life Course at Yale University, says the disparity can be partly explained by a difference in dating preferences between some black men and women.

Source

Well Damn! and so my rant begins.

This is not a new topic, but this particular quote is a summarization of what many of my single buppie women are dealing with, comprising our values to date a black man. SMH.

Query to black men:

Is it an issue for a black woman to have more education than a black man? Is it possible or even likely that black men are insecure and unable to deal with a woman that has more education? Could it be that our black men are slower to develop professionally than men of other races?

Is it my fault that I excel, and value education? Should I just quit, sit home, and play video games? Is that really what you want?

NO! When black men do date outside their race, the OTHER chick is most likely still just as educated.

Although it may seem that my position is one sided, I am not making assumptions about all black men. However, I have realized for some men, my desire to progress professionally may be an issue. That is perfectly ok because I am just not that kind of mans type. We (black women who prefer to get theirs) should get over this (per Dr.J)and MOVE ON! GUESS what?! Uneducated men are not my type, so I’m MOVING ON!

It seems that decent black men are limited commodities. If you got one, congrats to you boo! But even those decent ones left, got issues. Social awkwardness, emotional deficiencies, overly evasive, etc. Plainly, these limited commodities know that they are in such high demand, that even the UGLY ones have the most courage these days to trying to bag the beautiful Lauren Londons, and Gabby Unions types.

Some of these limited commodities are living in LALA land. Hmph (Rolls Eyes). I had a male buppie tell me that he could not be with a woman making more money then him. GTFOH! Baby, in this world, this is bound to happen! So what we going to do then? Be stuck? Me, barefoot and preggers, because you’re comfortable with your salary? If you are insecure about $$ then F^&K it, I’m not your type.

I realize, that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I am also not one of those women caught up on the notion of being with a black man. Break out and date outside your race!

In essence, the same discrimination these black men are giving us women, is the same discrimination I am giving them right back. SHEEEEEIT. I can’t do it. You got to want to get better with me babe! Not stifle me or penalize me for my book smarts.

The Awkward Phase

The awkward phase has begun. You know that point in a relationship where you are no longer just friends and you are really beginning to like a person but it is still undefined. Yep! MNG and I have officially arrived at that place. I am pretty sure we are on the same page about what we expect and do not expect from one another. We are still learning a lot about one another so I am not ready to be in a full on relationship with him however I do believe that there is still a certain amount of exclusivity and expectations in our relationship.

Characteristics and Situations of the Awkward Phase:

Where are you going?
Since you like this person when they are not with you, you really want to know what they are up to, where they are going, who they are spending time with etc. MNG always offers up this information so I never really ask until he opens the door. He is very sociable and I understand has a lot of friends that he hangs out with. Sometimes I tag along sometimes I don't. But I notice in this phase I personally want to ask a million and one questions about his whereabouts.

Introductions
So my mother visited South Korea this month. She has heard a lot about this gentleman so she asked if she was going to meet him not to mention he asked me if I planned on introducing the two of them. I don't like to willy nilly introduce someone to my mother. She tends to get attached very quickly especially if the guy is nice. However, they met and hit it off quite well. I never know how to introduce him or what to tell people he is to me. Like he is not just a friend but he is not my man per say either soooooo........ yeah. This is MNG! That's it!

Making Demands
It is only natural for us women, and men too I guess, after reaching a certain point to want definition and find ourselves making demands in our heads that we will soon expect our significant other to meet. I get nervous about making demands. They usually fall into place in my relationships so I do not have to make them. But what if they don't just fall into place? What if ones feelings are moving faster than the others and one starts to make demands before the other is ready? I honestly try to hold out as long as I can before I take it there. My last serious relationship was easy because it moved super fast. Which is part of the reason it is over. Therefore I am in no hurry to get to this place but I see it coming.

Extreme Vulnerability
A few weeks ago MNG did something to piss me off. He could sense it even though I did not say anything and he just asked straight out, "Soooo you gonna tell me what is bothering you?" It was honestly quite difficult for me to open up and tell him in a sensible way why he had upset me. I felt quite vulnerable and I HATE being vulnerable. Once I expressed my issue we discussed it and he apologized but I noticed the whole situation made him quite vulnerable too. He knew he was wrong but he clearly expressed to me that he doesn't like being wrong. But who likes being wrong? No one that I know of. So we both had to get over ourselves to resolve the situation.

One things for sure, whether you are in a relationship or building up to a possible one, maintaining a healthy relationship is hard work. Communication is the main key. But as I get older it dawns on me how challenging it is to have a lasting relationship that will work out for both parties. I hear so many of my friends talking about trying to find a good man or the right woman. Well I believe I have found one but it is still hard work! I think at times us Bups forget that key element in a relationship.....WORK! The awkward phase in a relationship is to me where the work usually begins. Now work in a relationship often takes us out of our comfort zone, forces us to admit when we are wrong or unreasonable, exercise extreme patience, and be very understanding of the other's needs. Granted if it's right things will fall into place and most of the work will be subliminal. But still you can't want a man or woman and not be willing to put in some work.

So Bups are you prepared to put in work for that relationship you want? Like seriously?! It can be a little awkward to say the least.

Tick Tock Tick..My Clock Just Kicked in

This a bit of my random thoughts. This buppie is turning 25, and I'm starting to trip.

---

It is just about 1 week until I hit my "mid -twenties". In the beginning of the year, I made a list of everything I wanted to accomplish prior to this Birthday.

1. Go to Medieval Times.
2. Learn to drive a Stick.
3. Shoot a Gun.

Odd list? Maybe, but I have not done any of this. Life is happening so fast around me, and I am becoming more aware that I am not getting any younger. This upcoming age must be the age where people take note too.

As nonchalant as I used to be about it, I am now more than ever painstakingly aware that I am SINGLE!! Every time I have seen my mother, she asks "Do you have a boyfriend yet?". My sister was engaged at 26 and married at 27. She looks at me with the side eye. My uncle asks be how old I am, and says "Next time I see you, you better be engaged".

Dammit! Are ya'll hearing this tick tocking clock too? I've been trying to muffle it with this here pillow, but the closer I get to mid twenties the louder it gets.

People always want to boost up everything they have going for yourself when you are young. "What! You only ! Wow. You have so much going for yourself!" or "You are young you have so much time to accomplish this or that." No, apparently I don't when it comes to MEN. When you get older, folks start questioning. There comes that point where they see all these good things about you, note your singleness, and now start to wonder "What's wrong with her?"

Really there probably is something wrong with me. But it is my hope its a wrong that one day somebody will love. I know I HAVE things. Those things only get you so far. I know how to look cute. I know how to buy a home. I know how to maintain a career. What I do not know is this find a life mate thing.....


...Or how to turn this fuggin Clock off.

Porn Stars Ruin it For Good Girls

Call me a Prude, Tight A$, whatever, but this AGE of everyone is a Porn star sh!t is getting on my GOT damn nerves.
Since when has it become acceptable for a man to turn his nose up at me or look at me like a Pastor looks at a member who has not been to church in 3 months because:

"Do you do girl on girl?"
I shook my head and said "No , Of course Not."

"Will you let me Cum on your eyelid?"
I say,"FI say,"FI say,"FI say,"F$&^K NO!"amp;^K NO!"amp;^K NO!"
"Well, let me stick it in your arm flap?"
I say, "Ni@@A PLEASE!!!"

More and more I meet guys that are completely demanding sexually, like all that extra sh!t is the fU@!#kng normal.

MotherF%&KER it is not! I am not going to be your Pinky, Cherokee D'ass, Carmen Hayes, or Heather Hunter!

Men all the sudden have this movement where they want to stick it in every hole, and squirt their lil Soulja juice everywhere??

I mean really, was it not enough that you are now allowed to stick your penis in mouths??

This is not PORNHUB. We are dealing with reality, and I don't f#%king know you like that for you to be busting hot jizz in my motherf$@#ing $300 Weave. Just so you can have a great 60 seconds or less!

PAUSE.

Now let me clear things up. Do not get me wrong here. Intimacy grows and excels as you get to know and build affections for individual. If you got a S.O and you all have EVOLVED into some private(or public) porn stars. Hats off to you CUMrades. F#@#king let him cum on your f%%king pinky toe for all I care. What boggles me, is what happened to the idea of BUILDING and getting better with time?

The expectations that folks have these days for sex are RIDAMNdiclous ... at least to me...the only Prude left in DC.

Online Dating

Times are a Changing!!! It seems everyday in my buppie-dom, I hear about someone hooking up or getting married due to an online dating site.


I do not judge others who do chose to E date, I really hesitate when it comes to signing myself up. Number one, I am not trying to pay fees, and Number two, honestly it makes me feel vulnerable. I mean what if I see someone I know on there? What are they going to think of me? I am desperate, right?

WRONG. I signed up and saw millions of people, and oddly enough I saw some familiar faces! And of course when that happened I deleted my account!

E- dating is like the elephant in the room. It is there..just aint no one talking about how they are doing it.

The topic of E-dating lends its self to deeper discussion. Perhaps it is the way things need to be.
You list exactly what you want, and hit search. Wow that's easy.

While, I am not on my edating phase in life, I do respect it. It is RAW! It crossed borders and time zones and completely opens up your possibilities of connecting with that individual.

Often times its hard to find someone on the same page as you. Who is just real and upfront about wants and needs. One person wants to be serious, one person wants to just smash.. E Dating pretty much avoids this conflict, because instead of the coy dating scene of "Real Life" you straight advertise what you are looking for. Looking for Marriage..or Looking for a FWB (friend with benefits). This make such sites an EXCELLENT tool. It makes sense. Pursue a relationship with someone who just as serious as you are, right?

E dating makes you drop the superficial ish at the door. Looks really are not everything. How many people do you meet a day that meet your exact physical requirements and are single? E dating is camera tricks. Just because the person has a cute pic up does that mean they are really cute. This forces one to go beyond skin deep.

E dating helps you get to the point faster. No need to continue dating, or wasted nights with folks who do not peak your interest. On that first meeting you already know if its going to work out. And if it does not work, its an easy out. No hassle. No BS.

Ultimately, whatever dating you chose to do, you have to put yourself of there a bit. E dating makes sense for those looking for specific type of relationships. It forces you to truly look deep and identify what you really want from a mate. 300 questions worth of identification! If anything that part is valuable....

On Bended Knee

Marriage.....

The thought of it brings a variety of emotions over me. This summer 3 friends of mine are getting married. And I watched my closest childhood friend get married in October. (She is so stinkin happy!) People are really tying the knot. Needless to say with two of the friends getting married being female I hear endless amounts of their preparation ideas, plans, guest lists etc. Then they start talkin about having kids and such and it just makes my head spin. And I have come to an interesting conclusion about myself.....

I am intimidated by marriage for SO MANY REASONS!

I guess this is all an indication that I am in no way shape or form ready to get married and once I meet the right person and blah blah blah that will change. BUT for right now the sh*t freaks me out. I believe it is for a number of reasons.

1) I am an only child so sharing never has come easy for me. I like my space and my things untouched for the most part. So sharing my LIFE with someone is going to take a large amount of love!

2) I am NOT READY to have children. PERIOD! And I honestly want to be married a few years before I even start down that road. However, the thought of children seems to linger more persistently once you tie the knot.

3) I have yet to meet a man I feel I can trust for the rest of my damn life. Like even if we are feeling each other and in love I still think deep down that your ass will change and screw me over.

This is why I think the courting process is so important for a man and a woman before they get married. Courting is different than dating! Granted courting has become more modern and no longer requires your parents going out with you and your significant other on dates, I believe it is important for a man to seriously court a woman once he has made up his mind that she may be "the one". And any respectable woman whose feelings are mutual will play her role in the courtship and show the man that she is indeed worth being courted. (F.Y.I. Courting is not all on the guy! I believe the woman plays an active role as well.) In my opinion courting is a means of truly establishing a friendship, respect, trust, and authentic love with your significant other through private interactions as well as interactions with family and friends. I also believe it is a time to be COMPLETELY honest and to become mentally and spiritually in tune with one another with the end goal to be marriage. Courtship to me is a pivotal building stage in any relationship that you want to have serious longevity.

So Bups,

What do you think courting means?

Have you ever been courted?

Are you currently being courted?

Have you ever courted someone? How did it end up?

Do you think you are ready to spit them vowels?

DR. J's POV on FWB

Buppie has been on the hunt for a male buppie perspective...WE think we have found him!

Preview this blog that caught my eye and look for more...

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THE REAL TALK ABOUT FWB: Friends with Benefits


I mean… what more can I say? Everyone these days is friends with benefits, you relationship fearing assholes. I’m going to step out of logic for a second and be real on the subject. I really advise against the situation. I mean I just don’t think you can really be friends because people will not want to share everything with their FwB. Like you can be my FwB, but do you really want me to tell you about all the other people I’m sleeping with? Can I really tell you that while I’m just having sex with you, that I’m really trying to see what’s good with this other girl who is wifey material?


There are a few way these things can end up for you:

(1) Someone is going to catch feelings. And when they do, they may not even inform you. But don’t front player, that ish is coming out sooner or later. And I got my money on at the worst time ever. For example, at happy hour you are talking about how you are happy to be single because you are free to go where you please with a group of friends. Your FwB storms out the room to the bathroom and returns with red and watery eyes talking about she has to go.

(2) You’re going to catch feelings. And when you do, damn homie… in high school you was the man homie. Imagine a conversation like this:
Bliggity: Yeah, so I think I’m starting to feel this chick.
Rod: Whoa man, you said, y’all was just f*cking.
Bliggity: Don’t you think I know what I said.
Rod: I’m just saying man, you over here talking about, “I think I love this girl.”
Bliggity: No I’m not. I’m just saying, I’m starting to feel the chick.
Rod: Of course you know this means that she just went from a chick you’re beating, to “the” chick you’re beating.
Bliggity: This why I don’t tell you nothing.
If there is anything worse than a guy who wants nothing to do with a chick who catches feelings, it’s a chick who wants nothing to do with a guy who catches feelings. Know your role and stay in your lane, chief. The best thing for you to do in the situation is wait a little while longer for her to catch feelings and if she doesn’t just step off.

(3) A misunderstanding of the rules because you have no expectation to set them.
Nakita: I want to talk to you about something.
X: Yeah, what’s good?
Nakita: Are you messing with somebody else?
X: Um.. why is that important?
Nakita: Because if we’re going to be messing, you can’t be messing with anybody else?
X: [hangs up the phone]
Ain’t it crazy when a chick who doesn’t want to be in a relationship wants to prevent you from finding a situation that works better for you?

(4) MY PERSONAL FAVORITE. When she realizes that she’s catching feelings and it’s not what she wants to do, she backs off. Then the guy is like, “I do not have feelings, so I’m not sure what’s going on. She said she doesn’t want to catch feelings, and I have not caught any feelings, and so I’m not sure why she’s leaving if we’re still on the same page.” I have no advice, I haven’t figured it out either.

(5) Someone gets in a real relationship. Damn Gina.
a. The real funny thing about this situation is, she’s going to introduce her FwB to her new boyfriend as just a friend. And I’m still trying to figure out if it’s better to be the dude who’s got the girl, and she only goes to that other dude for a fix, or the guy who is meeting the guy who now has the girl on a full-time basis and occasionally is summoned to hit it, NSA (no strings attached). Trifling ass broads.
i. This is why I always assume that a girl that I’m talking to has slept with all her male friends unless they’re gay. And even then, I’m still a little suspecting. LOL.

(6) Someone doesn’t want to be in a FwB situation anymore, they want a relationship, just not with you. Damn Gina. That’s what your ass gets for messing with someone on a level that they don’t respect you as relationship material, Real Talk.




See the big issue here is the lack of requirement of communication. It’s not really like you have to talk about feelings, and so you don’t. Besides, who likes talking about feelings anyway. As much as people think that women always catch feelings, men are very territorial. So while he may not want to wife her down, he wants to be able to have her when he wants her and doesn’t really want anyone else to have her.

Here are the basic ground rules, in my personal, unsolicited opinion of FwB:

(1) Honesty is expected.

(2) If question is asked it must be answered. Don’t be an idiot and ask questions that you really don’t want the answers to.

(3) Periodically an honest conversation should occur about whether the person would like to be in a relationship. Not necessarily with one another, but just in general.

(4) Don’t be so sensitive. (I know I am just as guilty as the next guy on this one, I’m just saying lmao.)

(5) Understand that everyone has feelings.

(6) Most IMPORTANT rule of life: Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. If you are thinking about doing something, think to yourself, “Would I be upset if she did this to me?” or “Since I’m going to do it anyway, how do I prepare myself for her to do it back to me?”

Lastly, and most importantly never ever… EVER confuse FwB with someone you’re just having sex with. But that’s another blog for another day. And after the summer/winter of the side piece is over, next week expect a blog on that too. You are not ready, Aye!

Mr. Nice Guy

Okay so I have been in Korea since February and shortly after arriving I met Mr. Nice Guy (MNG). He is a nice gentleman from Georgia who I just happen to think is gorgeous so I began to get to know him and things are going surprisingly well. Now even though MNG is in fact an extremely nice guy he is still a man so I am mindful of my interaction with him because men can change very quickly if something rubs them the wrong way. However, I have been being myself and he seems to like that so hey it is comfortable and it works for the both of us.

However as a woman who has been scorned, heartbroken, and has messed up myself in past relationships I have been very mindful that I do not bring baggage and that I continue to learn and recollect from past lessons. These are some of the things that have crossed my mind and I think are reasons why me and MNG click so well.

1) Do NOT talk about ex's when you are getting to know someone. MNG and I have had ONE conversation about past relationships and it was almost like a "let's get this out the way" conversation so we don't have to talk about it ever again. A mistake I have made in the past has been referencing an ex too much and it bugs the SHIT out of me when the man I am dating does it. If you are truly over the person there aint that much to say about them. And needless to say MNG and I do not feel the need to talk about it. We may share experiences occasionally but there is no need to really dwell on what went wrong in your last relationship if you learned from it.

2) Listen to him talk! Men looooooooove to talk about themselves. Many times I think secretly they like to talk about themselves more than women. Now as a woman I sometimes want to interject and give my "5 cents" on the matter or simply tell one of my own stories but I DON'T! Sometimes you have to just let a guy talk and JUST LISTEN! They appreciate it and you learn a LOT about them as you let them run their traps.

3) There is NO NEED to talk everyday! I have made this mistake in the past! This point may be just for me personally but I do NOT need to speak with the man I am dating everyday. I mean if a text message or an email is exchanged instead that is cool with me. But I do not need to spend endless hours with you on the phone and talk to you at 9pm every night. Let me reiterate this may just be me. I actually enjoy having to catch up with someone because we haven't talked in a few days.

4) Encourage him when he speaks about his goals and aspirations. In relationships rather it be my homegirl or my man I always support and encourage people I care about when they are passsionate about achieveing something. MNG has shared a number of goals he has and he also has a pretty decent action plan to achieve them. I respect that so I give props where props are due. Now don't get me wrong at times people can have outlandish or unrealistic goals. But who am I to judge if you are proactively seeking and working towards your dreams. Women often are their man's biggest critic instead of being their man's biggest supporter.

5) If you got a problem JUST SAY IT! Honesty is key and one thing I have learned in my dealings with men is that if you have a problem you need to say it. Men are not mind readers and it aint bothering anyone but you if you do not speak what's on your mind. The man may not even know that you got a problem because YOU HAVE NOT SAID ANYTHING! And it is all in the delivery of how you bring the "problem" to him. Essence had a good article entitled "Was It Something I Said?" in their April 2009 issue which touched upon this quite well. Many times with men it is not what you say but HOW you say it. And if it aint that big of a "problem" just let it go!

6) Do not tell your girls every detail about your interactions with dude! This is very very very important. Every convo, encounter, and thought you have with or about your significant other should not be shared even with your closest friends for sooooo many reasons. Men appreciate this too because in my opnion most men do not like ya homegirls knowing everything about what is going on between you and him. I have made this mistake and have seen the effects of how too much communication with my friends can cause serious detriment to my relationship. I share some things with my friends but definitely not the majority.

I am no relationship guru but these are some things I have learned from the past and they seem to be helping me as I get to know MNG. We genuinely enjoy one another's company, give each other space, and communicate effectively with one another.

So far so good....

Wait, I don’t even like berries....

Below is a blog, special feature blog. The writer wishes to remain Anonymous.

---

They Say, “The Blacker the Berry, the Sweeter the Juice.” Wait, I don’t even like berries.

Preface: My mother is going to kill me.

Here lately I’ve been getting in arguments with my sistas about their hair. A few things:

1. I hate when women wrap their hair before bed. Hence, why I have two silk pillows on my bed, “just in case, they don’t want to get their hair messed up, [messing] with a [brother]” as Katt W. said.
2. I hate when some Black woman asks me what I think of her hair when she chops it off and goes, Happy I’m Nappy natural. I think the same thing each time, “That was stupid. (In the “That was easy” voice)
3. I hate the argument that Black women have problems working out because they sweat their hair out. I believe there are plenty of Black women who manage to work out and not sweat their hair out, that’s why they are in shape and others aren’t.

And then suddenly it hit me, it’s been a while since I talked to a woman with Black hair. And you know what? Seriously, just one day I just lost the urge to talk to Black women at all. I don’t think I’ve ever said, I’m done talking to Black women, I think one day I just said to myself, I’ve had enough I’m no longer limiting myself to a group of women just because they are Black. And this translated into me just not meeting or interacting with them on a romantic level anymore.

This was not spontaneous, it was gradual in nature. I think back on life and I’ve always had a thing for “redbone” or “high yella” women. In fact, the Summer of 2003 joke about me used to be that I like them, “light, bright and damn there white” or “oh yeah, lighter than that.” The last Black girl that I seriously dated was a “redbone” with hazel eyes. Sooner or later I was bound to just cross on over.

I never was the type to date solely in my race, my girlfriend in middle school was white. Oh and let’s be clear, she wasn’t a white girl from around the way, she was white. I went to a predominantly white school for college, I was in a predominantly white major, and I hung around a pretty diverse group of people. Naturally, I had sex with white women. It was never a big deal for me. And it wasn’t just white women, because it was Latina sisters too. Being from DC, once going to NY, I discovered different nationalities of Latinas, such as, Dominicans and Puerto Ricans. But still, “light, bright, and damn there white.”

So after a few bad experiences with Black women in DC after school, I just gave up on being the token Black guy. Yes, the token Black guy, a guy who is predisposed to only Black women for fear of persecution. And so I’ve now become a Black man who believes he has a great chance of never dating a Black woman again, unless she’s mixed.

I know the readers would like to know why, and I’ll tell you… I’ve noticed a REAL big difference when in relationships and dealings with white women.


I do not have to carry the race with my interactions with white women.
With Black women, you are representing for the whole race and gender of Black men. You deal with the baggage of every Black girl lost. And you’re just not trying to hear all that. I don’t want to deal with how Black men are always cheating and leaving some Black women for a White woman. I do not need to hear about how some Black man is always skipping out on his responsibilities. I do not need to hear about how Black women have carried the race for so long, that it’s time that Black men stepped up to the plate. I don’t need to hear that Black men ain’t sh*t. Excuse my French. Quite frankly, I’m not those men, so don’t compare me to them.

I’m not finished with this topic.
When I make a mistake, I now get the punishment of a repeat offender. It’s like if I cheat on a Black woman, because I cheated on a woman, I get punished for every other Black man who cheated and got caught or didn’t get caught. No, this is the present, I’ve made a mistake, and this may be my first mistake and I need to be able to make mistakes or this won’t go anywhere whatsoever. Lastly, when she makes a mistake, she can write it off by comparing it to the things that Black men have done in the past.

There’s a sense of entitlements that should not exist.
One of the things that caused me to get extremely frustrated with dating Black women was the sense of entitlement to dictating the way everything should go, as if they were owed something. They didn’t have to earn anything. When I was dating outside of Black women, that was different. I’ll give you two examples; Latina women will cook for you, Black women will tell you, “I ain’t your mother.” White women will chill in the house when you’re broke, Black women will tell you the second you decline going out, “How come we don’t ever go anywhere?!”


I know there are exceptions to the rule. But I’m very adamant about saying, that we are not judged by our inconsistencies, but by our consistencies. And if the large majority of you are one way, you need to huddle with your people about what the majority voice is before coming to me claiming to be the exception. I’ve been consistently happier dating white and Latina women than I have been dating Black women. I actually felt like I could be myself, I wasn’t living up to some norm or standard that I didn’t have any part in creating. Quite frankly, I haven’t been in a setting where it was predominantly Black since the sixth grade, it only makes sense that I need someone who understands that I’m multi-faceted. No, I’m not a Black man who doesn’t know he’s Black, I’m a Black man who knows he’s Black enough to not need to see a Black woman everyday to know that he’s Black. I’m a Black man who’s strong enough to say, as it stands for me, I just don’t think I’m compatible with most Black women.

Am I saying that I will never date a Black woman again? No, I’m merely saying it’s unlikely.



Reader’s Note: Through out this blog you may have noticed that I capitalize the “B” in Black, but do not do the same for the term white. I do this because Black is a race in America that represents a group of people who do cannot and do not trace their roots back to anything but Black. While white is a race, it is a placeholder for many people who can trace their roots back to a nationality but choose to use the term white to distinguish themselves from Black people.

I Just Want to be a GirlFriend

Some women are just the marrying type. Not as in wifey qualities but as in they are looking to get married. Sometimes, like tonight I wonder why I am not like that. The entire idea of marriage is not something in the forefront, nor the back front of my mind.

I am at a point in my life where I can spot out my marrying type friends, and know that within the next two years they will be on to another planet. I fear I will be that lone single friend waving bye as my home girls drift away one by one! The reason I consider them the marrying type is because they set up their relationships to lead in that direction. Some may play house, some make decisions with their undetermined marriage date in mind, and some just plan put it out there!

Well I realize I am not the marrying type, one thing I look forward to is that committed, deep relationship. Honestly, I am not trying to be anyone's wife, I just want to be a girlfriend. I want to be with someone and develop a relationship. I want to invest time, develop true feelings, and set REALISTIC expectations. I want to spoil, surprise, and experience a man on the same page as me. I want to be a GOOD WOMAN to someone one day.

It is like I have learned so much from my past relationships and myself that I cannot wait to have the chance to "REDO" with someone. I just want to master my Girlfriend skills!

Meeting the 'RENTS?

Lil Funny !


I am the first person to avoid meeting the PARENTS. I've never been into it, primarily because my parents are the most judgmental folks. I have seen how they "GO" on people!

To me meeting the parents, is a FIRE SIGNAL, saying "I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING THIS PERSON". EEEEK!!! Scary!!! Presenting yourself to Parents to be judged is beyond frightful.

Did your Significant other (SO) brief you? I make sure I brief mine, and I expect the same. After all Parents are deal breakers or winners. I can always get RID of you, but not my parents! If my parents hate you, I will never stop hearing about it. If they like you, I will never stop hearing about it. Who wants to be in that situation??

On the flip side, the IDEA of meeting the parents is a sign of trust and respect. Its wonderful to have made it to the level where you can do this. While I like the idea, I am not always excited to jump into the action. EEEK.

Act Like A Lady. Think Like A Man

Happy New Year Bups!!!

So I hate for my first post of 2009 to have a negative tone but I gotta vent. Ladies, we really HAVE TO step it up in'09! Like fa real. So many female bups that are close to me were doing some pretty idiotic things when it came to men in '08, like habitually dumb. I hate to judge cuz hey I don't have a man, just male "friends" so what do I know?! But some things to me just seem painfully apparent that are not in your best interest as a woman who says she wants a decent man. But since '09 has begun I feel like these ladies that I speak of are making even DUMBER decisions and they're talk about getting out of these situations is just that....TALK!

To add insult to injury I was listening to my favorite, The Steve Harvey Show, this morning and The Strawberry Letter was dumb as hell AS USUAL! A woman who THINKS she knows something getting played by a man. This morning it was a woman who has been seeing a married man for 7 years and has a 3 year old son with him. She wasn't worried about him being married she was just mad that he was so jealous. BITCH YOU SERIOUS?! Of course Steve said something that was right on the mark and made me think about some of my friends. Women are always asking why men cheat and why they do some of the other crazy things they do. Then they say the crazy SH*T they put up with in the same breath. Women, are the reason men cheat and act crazy! It is because women allow them to do this. When the women I know make this ridiculous, "All men cheat and are no good" statement I often reply well you allow that type of behavior so what do you expect?!

So I am happy to say that the book will be out at the end of the month....


Needless to say I will be buying a copy of this book for myself as well as several additional copies for some other women in my life who I feel should read what Mr. Harvey has to say. I find much of what Steve Harvey has to say about relationships to be quite insightful and have been looking forward to seeing his thoughts organized through this book.

Ok ladies, let's get with the program in 2009! Especially if you CLAIM you want happiness!

Women are posessesed so Men must adjust.

A few weeks ago I was talking to my brother about an issue with Hit or Miss Guy. I was going on and on about how he had once again pissed me right on off and how I didn't want to deal with him any longer. Now I listen to my bro vent about his girlfriend ALL THE TIME! And I never say ANYTHING! Even though sometimes I disagree with what he is saying I listen to him and give him my honest opinion. But during my random rant suddenly my brother screams "UGH STOP BEING SUCH A GIRL!" I was confused. So I asked him what he meant. He attempted to explain to me that I was overreacting and the dude had a valid excuse for what I was angry about. However, I said I did not care because there is ALWAYS an excuse so I am still mad. My brother than goes on to say that he hates when I go into "girl mode." It reminds him that even though we discuss sports , his sexcapades, and the other random guy things, I am still a woman.

Men get exhausted when we vent. My brother says it is literally exhausting and taxing to listen to and afterwards he personally doesn't even want to talk anymore. It's just a fact of life. Whether it be a friend or a significant other a woman going on and on about her feelings is exhausting for a man. Now I will actively listen to a man talk about issues that are bothering him or just his random stories, particularly if I care about him. But for most guys returning this favor is an extreme chore. My brother says it goes beyond listening to a woman it is about simply accommadating her endless needs. He exclaimed, "Honestly I just think yall are possessed!" Our conversation ended up switching to issues with his girlfriend and how he has began to accommodate certain things she says and does because it keeps her happy and he is learning how to pick his battles.

The Close Confidant (CC) explained to me and my brother that later in life men learn how to shut up and let a woman have their way on certain things by picking their battles. However, many young men have yet to figure this out and it comes with maturity and security within a relationship whether it be a friendship or more. The CC than goes on a slight tangent and says, "See I like to think for myself therefore I will never be married." He tells my brother that being married for a man means that to an extent he can longer think for himself because a woman is going to insist on doing it for him. (I told my brother that if he really wants to someday be in a lasting relationship The CC may not be the best person to listen to. After all he is a 55 year old bachelor who is happy that way. LOL)

My two closest male friends went on to reinforce the fact when you are in a relationship you just have to compromise on everything because women are such emotional beings. Here are some examples that a few guy friends took pleasure in venting to me:

Example 1: My girlfriend sleeps like a toddler. She kicks, takes the covers, and hits me in the middle of the night. Now I used to go and sleep on the floor after I knew she was asleep. However, she would wake up in the middle of the night and ask why I was not in the bed with her and then would come down on the floor and sleep next to me. So now I hold her at night until she goes to sleep because she likes that shit and chances are I stay in the bed and endure her abuse. Now when I wake up in the morning I don't lie in bed. I go into the living room and watch Sports Center. Now she follows me in there and asks why I got out of bed and wants to lay RIGHT ON TOP of me! Like can I ever get any space?! It's never enough!

Example 2: My girlfriend calls me like 8 times a day and honestly I just dont have that much shit to say. I mean we talk EVERYDAY so why must we constantly be on the phone?! So I tell her let me call you back. And she's like whyyyyyyy? Like man because I am watching the game. You act like I aint gonna talk to your ass before bed and like we aint already spoke 5 times today! WTF?! So the next day I wil call her out the blue just to tell her I love her because I know she likes that shit. EXHAUSTING!

Example 3: So my girlfriend goes out of town for the weekend so I make plans with some of my friends. Now she doesn't know many of my friends because we have not been dating for that long. So she calls and I am out clearly at a bar because it is LOUD. So she asks who I am out with. And I say some friends. She's like who? So I'm like man, WHY?! You do not know them anyway so why you want me to run a bunch of names of people you don't even know. Besides can't you hear that it is loud as hell in here?! I am not trying to have a full blown convo right now! Why aren't you somewhere enjoying yourself after all you are out of town. She then slams down the phone and I am like man what is her deal?!

This all made me think, damn are we that hard to figure out and accommodate?! The dudes I spoke with about the matter sounded exhausted. Granted they were for the most part happy in their relationships, they say that there is constantly something you have to do to just shut a woman up.

I don't know. Bups male and female I am curious to hear your thoughts...

Invading One's Privacy

Recently I was talking to a male friend of mine about his issues with his significant other. He was saying a lot of things with her were getting sketchy and he felt that she was lying to him and being sneaky. They were supposed to get together over the weekend but she said she was sick and had some other excuses as to why she didn't even bother to call him to explain her absence. So the next time she comes to the crib he waits until she goes to sleep and goes through her phone. Needless to say he finds things that he did not want to find. I told him "whooooaaa first I am blown at the fact that you went through homegirl's phone! Who does that shit?" Apparently a LOT of people do!

After talking to him about this situation I spoke with a number of ladies and gents who have invaded their significant other's personal correspondence in one way or another. Whether it be going through their phone, looking at their email or facebook, or reading their journal. Maybe I am just a punk in this regard because I don't want to know that much. I remember in college being in my boyfriend at the time's apartment. I was in his room and I saw an instant message pop up on his computer that read "hey sexy." Oh needless to say I immediately got irate and asked him about it! Therefore, I can not imagine my reaction if I went looking and found something.

Honestly I feel like if you have to snoop you already know the deal! I tend to follow my intuition in situations such as these and go straight to the source if I am suspicious. If I go to my significant other and am still not convinced clearly there is not enough trust to sustain a relationship. Yet and still here are some reasons I have gotten from people as to why they snoop:

*All of the people I asked ranged in the age of 22-30 years old.*

1) I wanted to know if he was telling the truth about where he was.

2) I knew there was someone else but I want to see if there's only one.

3) He left his email open so I looked.

4) She went to sleep and her phone was right there. If there is nothing to hide why can't I look?

5) I just needed to know!

6) I wanted to prove that I knew he was lying.

7) I had a suspicion some funny business was going on and I looked and was right!

8) He looked through my facebook so I looked through his!

Of the people I had asked only one person looked and was wrong about their suspicion. The others found something sketchy or outright found out they were being stepped out on. Which goes along with my point if you feel the need to look you already know! Unless you just super paranoid!

I'm interested to know if you are a snoop why do you do it? Do you snoop even if you have no real reason to be suspicious? If you already know the deal why snoop?

The Equal Opportunity Dater

So I have been thinking a lot lately about of my dating experiences since moving to DC. I have had a few really good and really bad dates. I truly enjoy meeting new people. But I have noticed quite a few white and Latino men hit on me when I am out. I always kind of played it to the side like ehhh I'm not interested because he is not black. This made me really sit back and think about why I have these thoughts. This is something that I think about regularly because one of my best friends is in a relationship with white guy and I am getting ready to attend the wedding of one of my childhood friends who is marrying a white guy. So this got me to thinking maybe I should really practice what I preach about being an equal opportunity dater.

One thing that amuses me about this topic is that many black men do not like the thought of a black woman with a white man. (Not all black men have a problem with this. I am just saying a lot I talk to do.) And there are many different reasons. One reason given by a guy I know is that when he sees a white man and a black woman he immediately thinks "massah and his whench." I was like whaaaat?! But then he explained it just reminded him of how it seems it would have been in slave times. Then, he went on to say, "You ever notice in most instances when you see a white man with a black woman, the woman has natural hair? Like unpermed or dreads? Like they want an authentic African looking woman." I thought that was a bit extreme then for the next few weeks I noticed that every time I saw this type of interracial couple the woman had natural hair. Weird!

My main reservation is I feel like many white men, particularly the ones who hit on me, look at me as an experiment. Like they see black women as these ultra sexual beings that they can have fun with! My bestfriend says that white men are attracted to me because of my small frame and that goes further into my point. I don't want to be no white man's freaky black toy. WTF?! I remember freshman year of college I went on a date with a white guy and the whole time he was just making sly sexual comments and I was super uncomfortable. Needless to say I never went out with him again and when I saw him on campus I darted the other way. But many of my male friends have told me that the white men that do hit on me do think like this. (I hope my friends are being honest with me and are not simply hating.)

I just simply think that I am possibly missing out on a lot of decent men if I do not date outside my race. Like I am limiting my options and that's not cool is it? Another problem I have is I am honestly not attracted to very many white men. It is very rare I break my neck to look at a white guy. Here are a few tho that I always look twice at:

Good Ol' Brad Pitt. This man is sexy

David Beckham! Go Victoria cuz this man aint bad! I'd break my neck on this one.

This man makes me CRAZY!!!! I LOVE James Franco. I'd throw my panties at him.

Heeeyy Marky Mark! He's a cutie.

Paaauuuuul Walker! Yes sir! SMFH!

If a white man of the caliber of any of these men stopped me on the street I may be off the market quickly. Wrap me UP! So the next white guy who stops me coming out of Target or I see while bar hopping in Adams Morgan I am going to challenge myself to open my mind and entertain it. Who knows where it may lead?