Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Memoirs of a Regretful Cheater

"I have cheated I look back on the situation and regret it. My ex-bf to this day does not even know about it.. At least I think. But the bottom-line is that as the cheater you never end up happy. You either hurt someone, yourself, or both.

I saw someone I became interested in approx 1 week after I entered a relationship. Gorgeous, smart fun, and humorous. I could not resist and I flirted with him and he flirted back. We had the best conversations, and I would even leave the time I was spending with my BF, to have a conversations with Mister. Mister was not local, which allowed me to pay enough attention to my BF who was near me. Mister was fully aware of my situation and never tried to come at me out of respect for the situation. We grew very close as we kept talking. Even though we were talking, I allowed my self to gain feelings for him. We did not physically touch, but honestly every time we connected just on the phone, he was brain fucking me. Little did I know then, how fucked I would end up.

I don’t know why I did not just break up with my BF at that time. But now I realize I was just being selfish. I wanted the stimulation I was getting from Mister and I wanted the convenience of having a BF near.

Anyways when Mister and I finally met in person, After months of mental and social stimulation, we could not even resist each other …we or I physically cheated. And while I was with Mister I was not even thinking about my BF. All I wanted was Mister to continue to make me feel they way he was making me feel…which was so…so …RIGHT.

I finally came to the conclusion that I cannot do this to my BF anymore. I felt like I wanted to be with Mister. I tried to break up with my BF without telling him I cheated on him. I came up with some poor excuse. He was not having it. He made me see why I wanted to be with him, and made me believe that I had not even been trying. So we reconciled and I decided to try. After all I still had feelings for him, my BF.

So I told Mister I was not breaking up with my BF. Needless to say he was not happy. He was not pleased, but he let me make my decision. Mister and I tried to wean our once romantically involved situation into a friendship…it was never the same. Honestly, I liked Mister a lot. I always saw myself with Mister in the long run. So perhaps I was being selfish thinking Mister would always be there.

Eventually my relationship with the BF crumbled. It only made sense to go back with Mister, right?Once again me thinking selfishly. So I try to get back with him. DOESN’T WORK!!!. Our relationship diminished. he could not trust me, and I did not go for him when he wanted to be with me. I did not make that sacrifice he needed me to make when he asked me to. I was devastated. All I could think about is the potential we had to make a great relationship.

So what do I do? I stand by trying to prove to Mister that I could be his girl. I try to hard. I keep talking to Mister, pouring my heart out to him on every occasion. For some reason I could not understand why he did not want to be with me, when I wanted to be with him sooo bad. Then one day, Mister and I just completely feel off. I got tired of not getting anywhere and Mister probably got tired of hearing my spill.

So cheating? Yes I’ve done it. But there was a lesson in there that I needed to learn. I truly believe that honesty is the best policy in relationships. Those who feel they need to lie are lacking a confidence and appreciation of others feelings. Who wants to be with someone like that?? If I had just been honest with my self, I would not have let myself be in a relationship with someone so long that was not satisfying me. If I had enough confidence in myself, I would have broke up not needing to get with Mister or anyone else. And now as I look back at the situation, which was yearsssssssss ago, I still miss Mister and the friendship we had. Until this day I can honestly say, I have not connected with a male individual the way I connected with Mister.

Do not cheat there is no need to, you think by having all those people in your life that you are not missing something…but in the end you still end up missing something…

1 comment:

Tisk Tisk women... said...

Girls always put the pressure on guys to settle and etc, in all the past blogs women are remorseful or to blame, i see a pattern...

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