Monday, October 26, 2009

Oh Match!


This is CaliTransplant... yup a native LA girl trying to make it in the DC world. I will be dropping by to share some of my experiences here in the DMV from time to time. Today my entry is dedicated to DC dating, match.com style.


So I joined match.com within days of my move to DC. I was ready to get the ball rolling immediately. I wanted to cut out all the hoops and circles traditional “sifting thru the b*ll$hit” or “romantic networking/interviewing” involved. Was that desperation? I don't think so, I call it tenacity. Let's be honest, I moved to DC to be surrounded by successful professional black people and I figured the internet would be the quickest way to filter out the potentials.

And what did Match.com yield? Three prototypes that, should you ever consider jumping on the internet dating bandwagon, avoid like the plague!

The Misrepresenter: (yeah I made up the word!) – Yes, he lied! I expected a certain amount of truth stretching considering the forum we met, but STRETCHING THE TRUTH ABOUT HEIGHT is pretty much a NO-NO. He had me anticipating a man 6 feet plus, so I cranked out the “KILL EM GIRL” heels, showed up to the date, and was looking down on Napoleon. (And I am of average height)

New rule, whatever they write on their profile, subtract 2 inches.

The Bore: Physically, a delightful specimen. Intellectually, it was like watching paint peel! BORING AS HELL! This probably could have been avoided had I engaged in more than one telephone conversation with the man. MY BAD!

New rule, have at least two voice conversations, longer than 15 minutes, prior to the date.

The Absconder: This character takes the cake! Still scarred from “The Bore” I made sure to engage him in decent conversation on multiple occasions and determined he was date-worthy. And what happened you ask? He up and left in the middle of the date. Yup. Straight up BOUNCED! AFTER he called to push back the date by 30 minutes TWICE and AFTER rescheduling the date from the previous week because he was "under the weather”. THIS MAN LEFT!

-Scene-

Holding half a glass of chardonnay in my hand, this man stood up, closed the tab, dug in his pocket for a cash tip and then glanced over to me and asked nonchalantly “You done?”

I still had HALF A GLASS OF WINE IN MY HAND – No sir, I am not done! Did I say that? No, rather I held my glass up towards him indicating that the glass was Still HALF FULL, to which he replied “Ready?”

WTF!!!!! READY???!!!!????? What did he mean? In that instant, I was lost. Is he asking me or telling me? Ready for what? Ready to hit up the next spot? If so, with me? Without me? Ready to part ways for the night? What the hell did that damn “ready” mean?!

So in a confused stupor, I respond "…Well let me just chug this wine and I’ll be good…" And then he said - CLINCHER- : "Don't rush..I'm just gonna (inaudible)....excuse myself."

Ahhhhhh! I get it now!

-End Scene-

New rule, "ready" is now defined as - (adv.) IMMA UP AND LEAVE YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DATE.

I know you are wondering, what happened to make him “ready”. Not sure really, but the date wasn’t exactly smooth to begin with. Besides the late start and rainy weather, He was a LOUDTALKER. LOUD AS HELL, to the point where other people kept looking at him CRAZY and I became self-conscious and uncomfortable. Then, facing the possibility of being temporarily deaf in my right ear, I had to tell him, politely, "whoa you are like yelling." (Hmm can that be said politely?) So all of that, in combination with awkward pauses, darting eyes and him sweating in his sports coat, eventually made him "ready."

FYI, I am on a match.com sabbatical, going to do it the old-fashioned way now – circulating and networking – I am sure it will reveal an experience just as colorful. Be on the lookout for an upcoming entry – DC dating – ol skool style.

10 comments:

FiGZ said...

I'm not sure whether I should laugh or be sympathetic towards your tenacious effort. I would never trust online dating services. No, no, no; not at all. People use those sights to white out insecurities that aren't observed until either the first date, or later on when it's too late...smh...thanks for sharing, and providing me with some AM entertainment :-D

True2me said...

LMAO..this post was funny..sorry for your misfortune...but LMFAO

Okay..Hun you need not be pressed, just relax and let it happen. Live and have fun..it will happen naturally..match works for some..but not for most..

FocusedFemaleGem said...

OH HELL NAW!!!!

Wow. And here I thought this Match.comb log was going to yield some good advice and this was going to be a successful blog. SMH!

That's disappointing news!

DaddysFishBowl said...

WOW,that's crazy, sorry for your misfortune. I can't believe that last guy, who really just leaves in the middle of a date? Hope things turn around for you on the traditional circuit. Thanks for the laughs though

blkwmnanimator said...

When you stop looking, the person will show up.

The Tenant said...

I've never played baseball in my life. Nor been to a batting cage. If I took up baseball today and struck out three times would the above commentators tell me to give up on baseball? Probably not. So District Bup, stick with match.com. Figure out what works and what doesn't. Figure out what red flaggers are. You'll eventually hit one out the park.

The District's Buppie said...

HA! this is a guest blogger post, so this is not about me. Shout out to CaliTransplant for sharing with Buppie!

Im not dating at the moment...lol

SassyT said...

Wow, can't believe he just up and left like that...SMH... but I'm sure you will meet some good folks on there too. Just like yourself, there are legit people looking for their match.

Anonymous said...

V-log it...

Anonymous said...

even though it was a guest blogger still V-log it...

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