Thursday, March 12, 2009

Wait, I don’t even like berries....

Below is a blog, special feature blog. The writer wishes to remain Anonymous.

They Say, “The Blacker the Berry, the Sweeter the Juice.” Wait, I don’t even like berries.

Preface: My mother is going to kill me.

Here lately I’ve been getting in arguments with my sistas about their hair. A few things:
  1. I hate when women wrap their hair before bed. Hence, why I have two silk pillows on my bed, “just in case, they don’t want to get their hair messed up, [messing] with a [brother]” as Katt W. said.
  2. I hate when some Black woman asks me what I think of her hair when she chops it off and goes, Happy I’m Nappy natural. I think the same thing each time, “That was stupid. (In the “That was easy” voice)
  3. I hate the argument that Black women have problems working out because they sweat their hair out. I believe there are plenty of Black women who manage to work out and not sweat their hair out, that’s why they are in shape and others aren’t.

And then suddenly it hit me, it’s been a while since I talked to a woman with Black hair. And you know what? Seriously, just one day I just lost the urge to talk to Black women at all. I don’t think I’ve ever said, I’m done talking to Black women, I think one day I just said to myself, I’ve had enough I’m no longer limiting myself to a group of women just because they are Black. And this translated into me just not meeting or interacting with them on a romantic level anymore.

This was not spontaneous, it was gradual in nature. I think back on life and I’ve always had a thing for “redbone” or “high yella” women. In fact, the Summer of 2003 joke about me used to be that I like them, “light, bright and damn there white” or “oh yeah, lighter than that.” The last Black girl that I seriously dated was a “redbone” with hazel eyes. Sooner or later I was bound to just cross on over.

I never was the type to date solely in my race, my girlfriend in middle school was white. Oh and let’s be clear, she wasn’t a white girl from around the way, she was white. I went to a predominantly white school for college, I was in a predominantly white major, and I hung around a pretty diverse group of people. Naturally, I had sex with white women. It was never a big deal for me. And it wasn’t just white women, because it was Latina sisters too. Being from DC, once going to NY, I discovered different nationalities of Latinas, such as, Dominicans and Puerto Ricans. But still, “light, bright, and damn there white.”

So after a few bad experiences with Black women in DC after school, I just gave up on being the token Black guy. Yes, the token Black guy, a guy who is predisposed to only Black women for fear of persecution. And so I’ve now become a Black man who believes he has a great chance of never dating a Black woman again, unless she’s mixed.

I know the readers would like to know why, and I’ll tell you… I’ve noticed a REAL big difference when in relationships and dealings with white women.

I do not have to carry the race with my interactions with white women.

With Black women, you are representing for the whole race and gender of Black men. You deal with the baggage of every Black girl lost. And you’re just not trying to hear all that. I don’t want to deal with how Black men are always cheating and leaving some Black women for a White woman. I do not need to hear about how some Black man is always skipping out on his responsibilities. I do not need to hear about how Black women have carried the race for so long, that it’s time that Black men stepped up to the plate. I don’t need to hear that Black men ain’t sh*t. Excuse my French. Quite frankly, I’m not those men, so don’t compare me to them.

I’m not finished with this topic.
When I make a mistake, I now get the punishment of a repeat offender. It’s like if I cheat on a Black woman, because I cheated on a woman, I get punished for every other Black man who cheated and got caught or didn’t get caught. No, this is the present, I’ve made a mistake, and this may be my first mistake and I need to be able to make mistakes or this won’t go anywhere whatsoever. Lastly, when she makes a mistake, she can write it off by comparing it to the things that Black men have done in the past.

There’s a sense of entitlements that should not exist.
One of the things that caused me to get extremely frustrated with dating Black women was the sense of entitlement to dictating the way everything should go, as if they were owed something. They didn’t have to earn anything. When I was dating outside of Black women, that was different. I’ll give you two examples; Latina women will cook for you, Black women will tell you, “I ain’t your mother.” White women will chill in the house when you’re broke, Black women will tell you the second you decline going out, “How come we don’t ever go anywhere?!”

I know there are exceptions to the rule. But I’m very adamant about saying, that we are not judged by our inconsistencies, but by our consistencies. And if the large majority of you are one way, you need to huddle with your people about what the majority voice is before coming to me claiming to be the exception. I’ve been consistently happier dating white and Latina women than I have been dating Black women. I actually felt like I could be myself, I wasn’t living up to some norm or standard that I didn’t have any part in creating. Quite frankly, I haven’t been in a setting where it was predominantly Black since the sixth grade, it only makes sense that I need someone who understands that I’m multi-faceted. No, I’m not a Black man who doesn’t know he’s Black, I’m a Black man who knows he’s Black enough to not need to see a Black woman everyday to know that he’s Black. I’m a Black man who’s strong enough to say, as it stands for me, I just don’t think I’m compatible with most Black women.

Am I saying that I will never date a Black woman again? No, I’m merely saying it’s unlikely.

Reader’s Note: Through out this blog you may have noticed that I capitalize the “B” in Black, but do not do the same for the term white. I do this because Black is a race in America that represents a group of people who do cannot and do not trace their roots back to anything but Black. While white is a race, it is a placeholder for many people who can trace their roots back to a nationality but choose to use the term white to distinguish themselves from Black people.


BlkWmnAnimator said...

"I do not have to carry the race with my interactions with white women."

That was interesting to read. It's amazing how different "being in a relationship" can be from "being in a major/field". I'm obviously not a black man so I wouldn't know about how Black women are always putting the actions of other Black men on their current partner.

I know that I felt the way you do when I was in college. I was one of five Blacks in my major so I always felt like whatever I did was a representation of all Black people. I don't know if that was true, but that's how I felt.

"I’m not finished with this topic. "
I can understand that. I have a twin brother and he wasn't necessarily bad, but he got in trouble more than I did. Unfortunately, if he messed up multiple times, he got a certain punishments and then if I did it for the first time, I would get the same punishment. I thought that wasn't fair because it was the first time I did it, but I got the same punishment as him with previous infractions.

I can empathize with this post for the most part. I ain't mad at you.

Somethin Special... said...

I'm not mad at you either. The way I see it you grew up with white people all around you its that much easier to 'jump ship' If that si what you like then that is what you like. But as a Black Female it still doesnt sit right with me; because if anything I don't get the feeling your dating interracially because you like latinas/white girls but because you DON'T like black girls. Honestly I got the distinct feeling that the same reason that compelled you to write that blog is the same thing that made me comment. Why should I be blamed for all the Bitter Black Chicks you've dated???
Yes I grew up in a single parent home but as I got older me and my daddy are pretty good friends. I don't judge ever guy I date by a standard left by the person he dated. I cook/ get cooked for and I have as much fun out on the town as I do making it a blockbuster night.
And yes there is always an exception to the rule but I think far to often Bitter Black Men tend to lump up Black Females the same way Bitter Black females tend to lump up Black Men.
I don't see anything wrong with dating outside of your race. Hey if you like 'em light by all means thats your preference. But dating light because you'd rather not date Black? Ummmm NO BUENO
The same way you've dated a plethora of females that have turned you off of dating Black Men I've done the same. And so have COUNTLESS other men and woman (black white purple green and yellow) and they either deal with or they don't.
I choose to deal with it. The way I see it: Love will find me when it finds me whatever color it may be. Whether its a black man a white man or a yellow man (hey I am NOT above birthing Blackinese Babies) but it won't be because I'm tired of dealing with the bull crap that comes with dating black men. If that were the case I would of bumped all ya'll crusty behinds back on the play ground in Junior High School.

Reader's Note: As you may or may not have noticed I sometimes wrote Black or black. Yes my color is black and yes I was born in this country But I CAN and DO trace my roots back to Africa by way of Guyana, South America (but most associated with the Caribbean).

SingingIvy said...

This post made me so incredibly sad.. I marked a number of complications in his argument, of which I won't delve too much into, but I did want to make note of certain things.

1. If you are, in fact, as steadfast and righteous in your situation, why anonomously?

2. I find it difficult to take your first stab at Black women having you "bear the brunt of every black man who's done her wrong" and yet you consistently refer to my sisters, high yellow to redbone, from single parent homes to products of joyous marriages, from children of Section 8 to those born to CEO's and Presidents, as "Black women" pot? kettle?

3. Are we not allowed to complain? To see the greatness that our men could be and push them to that high, instead of sitting with you in your mediocracy? There have been plently of nights in with my (beautiful, intelligent, high reaching) black boyfriend just because we wanted to, because we reveled in each other's company, discussed our lives, bonded over a puzzle, and yes, at times because he was broke, but trust me, I have many a times picked up the check because I WANTED to, not because I HAD to because he was broke.

In closing, as a Black man, I will continue to pray for you, wish that you reach the potential that I know that your mother (a Black woman) strived to push you to, and know that if its God's will, one day you will find yourself, and in doing so, a beautiful Black woman, to compliment your understanding.

The Tenant said...

Black girls are mean.
Ya'll never say hi or smile. Young, old, rich, poor. Everybody else says hi, why not them?

BigE127 said...

Wow, this is an interesting read. I think that as a fellow Black man, well you know what I'm Afro-Caribbean and maybe they're teaching us something different down there, I have to respectfully disagree.

Personally I'm a brother who has his own preference and motives for choosing a lady. I like 'em like I like my coffee; Hot, light and sweet. This even upsets my girlfriend who calls me colorstruck despite her being a “redbone”. But the same way you feel as if your being punished for the sins of EVERY MAN that shares your color, aren't you doing that to our sisters? I think any malicious reasons for picking or excluding a race is kinda, ehhh. Thinking that a certain tone of skin is more beautiful, I think isn't as bad as saying that every sista out there is tryna make you fail. I think this is sad, that you feel that way, but its only my opinion. I honestly think black on black love, is simply beautiful, but its IMO.

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