I'm Focused, How Can You Not Love That?

Dr. J is currently writing a book, writing on three blogs, (guest posting on several others), taking a life coaching class, and being a life coach to a few. He’s a busy man. In addition, he also is a Black urban professional who excels in corporate America by day and networks by night. Dr. J is a busy man. I’ll be the first one to tell you that I hate when someone says I’m too busy for [blank] because I’m focused on my career because it is a frequent cop out. But what I will say is that nothing is more attractive than someone going out and doing well for themselves and being focused on bettering themselves. Of course I get told by people that I should slow down, or take time to chill out, but the fact of the matter is the world is full of guys who aren’t bout nothing. Seems like the second a guy is about something women are upset about that too. I’ve got to admit that’s confusing to me.

I think women will say they appreciate that about a man but the first thing out of their mouth is you need to slow down and make some time for me. Wait, let’s clarify, are you asking me to move you up in the list of priorities or are you asking me to stop doing something else and spend more time with you? I’m trying to figure out if my focused mentality is attractive even if I’m willing to let it go for a woman.

I’d really like to do a deep dive on this whole, “come to me” approach women have but I really do not have the time. It’s just amazing to me that someone will be like I don’t know you because we haven’t really chilled a lot together. In these days and times if you have to understand that if you’ve been out with me once or twice that’s a crapload of more time and effort than 95% of the women out here get. To have the nerve then to be like, ‘it seems like all you want to do is chill in the house.” No, what I’m really saying is, I’ve expressed interest in you, but you should know that my priority will not be spending time out in the streets trying to court you spending money on dates two or three nights a week. Also, neither will it be once a week over the course of a month or two. To be quite honest, I don’t have that much time to spend getting to know you. Either you get it, you want it or you don’t.

I sincerely have had situations where I’ve been told that someone really hasn’t had the opportunity to get to know me and I’ve sat and explained to them, well, that’s because you don’t understand how I work. If you want to maximize the time we spend together or you are interested in spending more time, then I’d recommend that you fall in. What does that mean? That means, I work from 8AM-6PM, meet me for happy hour after, if not, then meet me at my house in the evening. I have work to do. This is big… do not get offended if when we are chilling, my laptop is open or I’m on my Blackberry. I can either spend time with you and do work/blog, or I can stop spending time with you and then devote my undivided attention to my work/blog. Make a decision. Yes, I know, there will be times when I will put the BlackBerry down, I will close my laptop, and I will give you my undivided attention, but don’t be a nag. Every time I pick up my BlackBerry is not a time for you to sigh.

Where am I trying to go with this one? Ah yes, priorities. My priorities in life are very career-oriented. However, I do not shut the opportunity for romance or a love interest out. All I ask is that as a man who is not acting like an ain’t ish brother, please find that attractive and respect it. I could be one of those guys who does nothing but work an hourly shift and come home and play Madden for 4 hours. I think a woman should seek out that “busy” characteristic in a guy. To an extent, you don’t want a guy who has no time for you, but you should seek out a guy who has priorities and something going on for him. Lastly, as terms & conditions, I will eliminate what does not fit in place. I also reserve the right to eliminate what does not fit without notifying the other party. I feel as though, if you really want to know why, you’ll ask and I’ll tell you. Don’t get mad at the result.

That is all for now. I’ll be back with more commentary soon. Next up: Are the Buppies being outdone by the Luppies? (In honor of Latino Heritage Month)

A Man Scorned.....

....aint got SHIT on a woman scorned! Recently I have been speaking with quite a few guys who blame their infidelity, lack of trust, and intolerance for relationships on ONE thing. A woman who hurt them. Maybe it was 6 months ago or maybe five years ago. However, these men are carrying some BAGGAGE! Here are some quotes from these men I speak of:

"Man, women aint shit. They always talking about how dirty us men are but they just as wild if not wilder than us!"

"It just takes me a while to open up because I been hurt before and that shit was not cool."

"That dirty bitch slept with my bestfriend! I know she aint her but man who knows what THIS woman is capable of?!"

"Women are cheaters just like men they just more clever with they shit! TRUST ME I know!"

"You can't really love any of these women out here. They get comfortable and act up. You can't trust these broads man! Who knows if I will ever settle down."

Now women are often looked at as bitter bag ladies when we have these sentiments but I have a feeling that many men really hold onto these feelings for much longer than the ladies do. Even though we may say we don't trust men we are liable to trust a partner quicker after heartbreak than men are, I believe. I think this is for a number of reasons:

1) It takes a LOT more for a man to open up emotionally to a woman. So if they are hurt or betrayed once they do decide to open up......ALL US BITCHES ARE EVIL! Like seriously c'mon fellas. Being hurt one time or another is apart of love. Some of these men need to take their own advice and stop blaming every woman for the faults of ONE bad one. But I do understand once a man is emotionally exposed weakness comes into play and we know men aren't trying to appear weak. So take advantage of their weakness and you got some big time problems.

2) Pride Plain and simple. Men are some prideful creatures. They don't like being wrong, taken advantage of, or manipulated into thinking someone is sincere when in fact they are not. But does anyone really like feeling like that? Uhhhh NO! One guy I spoke with simply said, "Yall women are sneaky! I will never trust another woman completely again." Like dude get serious. Put ya damn pride aside and examine yourself cuz you sound real foolish right now! I mean I have trust issues too but I can't say based on any of my bad apples that I will never fully trust another man. That just sounds like it will lead you to an unhappy, insecure, lonely life. I mean am I trippin?

3) Could it be that once true feelings are involved that maybe men are more emotional than women? I mean it is just a thought. Every person is different so who is to say who is more emotional from relationship to relationship. However, quite a few of the men that inspired this blog just sound like they were wining without the squeekiness in their voice. Like why are your feelings more hurt or why is your heartbreak any more intense than anyone else's that has been through it?

Now I know all men are not this extreme when they are hurt. However, every man, and woman for that matter, shows a little unknown fury when they are scorned. It is just becoming more apparent to me how REAL and lasting a man's fury can be when they are betrayed. But I ask all the guys that feel this way, whether it is mild or extreme, to not make every woman pay for one's mistakes. I mean c'mon yall hate when we do it.

Just my thoughts.....

Feature Blogger: I'm Sorry Mr. President

I would like to introduce you to Something Special! She is fellow blogger, and I enjoy her work very much. I want you to support and subscribe to speakresponsibly.blogspot.com today. It is a buppie must! Check this here blog out. Awesome Thoughts! and Buppie Men, please comment!

---

---

I've been forming this particular entry in my mind for awhile now. I did a entry not to long ago stating a Woman needs to be a Queen if she wants to be blessed with a King. I still stand by that and now I'm out again to speak to the guys. Your a special case; you can't just be King. You need to be King, Priest, and Prophet.

I first came across this theme months ago listening to a teaching from Bible Study entitled "Why Can't We Get Along" which discussed some of the difficulties men and woman face while dating (Fabulous teaching find it and more great ones at http://www.chrisburgeministries.org/). At the time I heard the theme I understood it but having had an opportunity to marinate on it awhile I've realized its importance.

King in Scripture very generally used to denote one invested with authority, whether extensive or limited. I am a Queen (or rather one in training lol I still got some relationship kinks to work out); and the only suitable mate for a Queen is a King. A King that is well aware of his position and the responsibility that comes with it. He is the provider (and that is not just in terms of dollars and cents), protector, and is called to lead("with a humble heart and loving service to your wife"). Also the bible talks about this little thing called submission that has been misconstrued far to often. God NEVER said we are inferior to our mates. "Headship" means that God has called the man to lead his home—and will therefore hold him personally responsible for what goes on in his home. The emphasis is on responsibility and accountability, not on authority and power.” To submit to your mate is not weak. Women was created to be Man's help mate so it is clear that we must recognize his role and put him first. As his help mate we must understand that he has the final decision. Notice I said FINAL decision; whatever the issue it should be discussed amongst you both before a final decision is made. While dating you should be looking for traits that let you know that you can respect and trust the decision your mate makes. If he wasn't good with his finances when he was single, if he hasn't fixed the issue by time he says "I do" don't expect good financial decisions to be made for your family. No I'm not telling you to let your husband run your family to the poor house; I'm telling you to take preventative measures BEFORE you get married so you can trust in those decisions later.

Priest At first every man was his own priest, and presented his own sacrifices before God. Afterwards that office devolved on the head of the family, as in the cases of Noah (Gen. 8:20), Abraham (12:7; 13:4), Isaac (26:25), Jacob (31:54), and Job (Job 1:5). Your mate is charged with making sure the family is spiritually grounded. Laying the foundation for his Queen and their children. He needs to not only pray WITH his family but pray FOR his family. He must set an example for them to help with their spiritual growth. He has to know and make sure his family knows he is in 'power' but God is in control. He has to "lead his wife and children into God's presence for worship, to remind them of God's Grace and mercy in forgiving their sins and to intercede on their behalf".

Prophet was a spokesman for God; he spake in God's name and by his authority (Ex. 7:1). He is the mouth by which God speaks to men (Jer. 1:9; Isa. 51:16), and hence what the prophet says is not of man but of God (2 Pet. 1:20, 21; comp. Heb. 3:7; Acts 4:25; 28:25). A man needs to have a vision for his family. Not a only a vision for HIS future, but his entire families future. What kind of future does he see for his family? For his marriage? For his children? Is he thinking in terms of generational blessings? Generational blessings will not just serve his family NOW it will serve his family long after he has passed and gone.

Now just yesterday while talking to a male friend of mine he told me I maybe looking for a needle in a haystack. Asking a man to be King, Priest, and Prophet may be a bit much he said. He told me that he and his wife operate on a governmental scale. He is the President and she is the VP. Now I'm not knocking their union at all but I encourage you all to do what works for YOU.

This would not work in my favor for several reasons. To name a few: (A)There is a not so clear separation between Church and state; that will not work in my household. (B)The president's job is temporary whereas the King's position is till death. Too many marriages these days think in temporary terms when the vows clearly state: "Till Death do us part,". Now if you made modified vows ignore that last one! (C)Also though the President is the face of the country there is still congress and the judicial system; and that brings way to many opinions into my household. Having spoken with a couple divorcees: congress not passing a bill has been the reason for many impeachments to date. I'd like my household to consist of two decision makers: King and Queen. If I wanted a group discussion I'd of got down with polygamy. (D)Lastly, I don't need to worry about campaigning, primaries and elections. NY Times nor Barack's endorsement holds a candle to God's endorsement and appointment. Therefore, no need for me to go looking for a needle in a haystack. God will present me to my King, Priest and Prophet when I'm deemed ready(see: when I finally get the major relationship kinks out and can call myself a Queen). I have faith in THAT; So I'm sorry Mr. President but I'd rather have a King, Priest, Prophet

For further study on this subject go to this website for more information it was truly helpful to me along with my own thoughts and bible study notes. http://www.cbmw.org/Online-Books/Building-Strong-Families/The-Husband-as-Prophet-Priest-and-King

Free Healthcare! Sign Up Now!

I get amazed at politics in this country. And I realize that this country becomes more and more socialist every day. I make a concerted effort to remain bipartisan. The result is a lot of people being quick to judge me as a republican when in reality I’m closer to neither. People who are informed about politics in America know that the differences between Republican and Democrat in this country are very small and often insignificant. At times, they flare up but generally speaking it’s about word association. Think about it this way, you have Bloods and you have Crips, both sides have their own agenda and their personal stance on the situation, but does that change that they are both inherently flawed, nope. Same with politics in America.

I think that misinformed people are so into being “democrat” or “involved” that they fail to realize when the party has gone completely off its rocker. They fail to hold people accountable for things they have said they would provide in their administration. Today, I’ll briefly touch on healthcare, because this needs to be said. I’ll be concise and then perhaps we can get some dialogue going…

Since Obama has entered the White House there has been nothing but Democratic policy being passed and old Republican policy being overturned, tossed out, and thrown to the waste side. This is what usually happens when a new regime takes over. Out with the old, and in with the new. There has been more transparency before, but it comes as a smack in the face to the Republican side that Obama and his democrats are so gaudy to pass legislation that disrespects the GOP and basically says, “Yeah, well what are you going to do about it?” The problem I see here is that Obama’s administration promised bipartisanship, and we have yet to receive that. (This is what happens every administration and we wonder why we have the problems we do. New administration comes in and completely reverses everything the last did. It’s counterproductive. But I thought Obama promised us change? Womp.)

As it pertains to healthcare, the Democrats went on their side of the house, developed their policy and then shoved it on the floor. They didn’t include the Republicans in their policy development, because they had it under control. When the republicans received this proposed solution to healthcare they reacted like babies. They were tired of being left out of the room where the important things are going on and they were going to show it. So what did they do, they showed their ass. They just started throwing wrench after wrench into the proposed solution. Admittedly, some of their points don’t even make sense. I’m sure they do not want things to stay the same, what they want is they just want a seat at the table to develop the policy too.

This sounds like a bunch of elementary school children. However, this is my issue with Congress. They act like a bunch of babies and nothing gets done. I mean, it should be stated that it’s neither the GOP nor the Democrats who can blame anyone. They end up arguing and they get to a stalemate and nothing gets done. It is business as usual. So why are we so concerned with picking sides?

Let’s cut the malarkey and get this healthcare bill passed. I could give a f*ckless about a public option or not. What I do care about is the inability for congress to operate as a legislative body. I find it problematic that the two sides are supposed to allow Congress to be balanced and represent all Americans. However, these guys have forgotten what a true republic is and somehow feel like they have the power to spend their time in childish debates while people suffer without healthcare. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, just do something, I don’t care what you do, but show me you can do SOMETHING.

Office Romance: From the Archives

This is a throwback from 2008 on my Facebook notes. Back in the day I used to turn out some of the baddest most controversial Facebook notes known to man. Anyway, check out this oldie but goodie.

This story was written in the first person to protect the contributing authors. I quite frankly don't care if you think this is me, that would make me a hero. Correction, that would make me more of a hero.

I’ve always struggled with the idea of dating someone at work. There are some important factors to consider here though; the proximity rule, free alcohol, and high stress. Everyone knows the best way to release stress is to bust a nut. And everyone knows that after a few drinks, even the ugliest have been known to get laid. However, the proximity rule may be new to you.

The proximity rule states that as you see someone over and over again, they eventually become attractive to you. This is your brain’s reaction to, “Well, this is all I’m going to get!” Think back to when you were in college at some of the people you thought were so fine. Looking back on it, they weren’t that good looking; they were the best of the crop.

Anyway so I started finding my coworker attractive and we developed a bond, we enjoyed happy hour. Almost daily, we had a routine; we would hang around until everyone left and then go to happy hour for a couple hours before saying good bye and heading home on Metro. The next day we’d entertain each other on how hung over we were. All that led to a time where we went out for happy hour, mind you our coworkers were there, we got drunk, we then left and went to another bar to keep drinking, and then we ended up at her place messing around and BOOM, I’m now having sex with my coworker. This didn’t last for long as with most things, I had no intentions on seriously dating my coworker and she couldn’t handle having sex with someone she was never going to be in a relationship with.

You’d think I learned my lesson, but no… a few weeks later I find myself attracted to yet another coworker. She was tough, a Dominican shorty at the job. Of course, I played my cards right, went to a few happy hours, kept up a heavy flirtation rotation and BOOM, I’m now having sex with my coworker. This was actually good though, because she wasn’t catching feelings, and let me know early she had no intentions of catching feelings. Until one day after a late night out on the town, I send her a “drunk text” and she doesn’t respond. At work the next week, she’s acting weird, two weeks later; she walks in with an engagement ring on.

Wait a minute… people don’t just get engaged in two weeks. She had a boyfriend this whole time. I wonder how that guy feels about his fiancé right now. He’s getting down on one knee, and she’s getting on her knees in other ways. “I feel sorry for you guys who have to pick a wife out of this bunch.” –Chris Rock

You’d think I learned my lesson, but no… a few months later I see this fat ass and slim waist walking through the office, fast forward… BOOM, I’m having sex with my coworker. The next week she comes in, she has on an engagement ring too! Now she won’t talk to me.

WTF… I thought I’d share this crazy story with you. I’m not sure who’s wrong, the person who keeps sleeping with his coworkers or these women who are married, engaged, or have boyfriends who are cheating so much. It is stories like this that make me reluctant to trust women.

What do you buppies think about that? Speak on it!

Ask Buppie: A Lil Bit Frustrated

I'm a bit frustrated with the dating scene at the moment. This guy I met a few months ago sends me a text message about when will he see me again? He brought pizza one time we went out, but when I suggest we do something fun and go out he wants to know if I'm going to treat. My first response is excuse me? And I want to say heck no, but I don't.

I usually I don't have a problem offering, but I do it - I do not like to be asked or demanded upon me to fork out the money for a date. He says all this about how none of us have money and he understands I have an internship and he has kids to support... umm excuse me is that my problem? I didn't tell him to go out and have two kids. If he has child support to pay that's on him. Plus I didn't say anything about doing stuff that cost lots of money. Okay if we're tight on cash why not suggest doing something fun and low cost? DC has plenty of things going on that's free or cheap - why make it all about money? Oh did I mention this is the same guy who went out and traded in his car after he saw me with a new car? He didn't celebrate with me about my car - instead he kinda looked at it and really didn't say anything. My spirit told me he was jealous. He then calls me weeks later saying guess what he has a new car and maybe I'll get to see it. Haven't seen it yet and really don't care honestly.

I mean is this really the dating scene in the DMV? I'm sorry I don't pay for a man who isn't my man. I will, but only if I choose to do so. It just irritates me to be asked. Am I wrong?


A Bit Frustrated,

UMMM NEEEEXT! Yeah this dude is WILD. I believe it is a rule that if YOU ask me out YOU pay. And if I ask you out I will pay but am open to the option of you still offering to pay. My next question was do you ask to do ridiculously expensive things? But you say: Okay if we're tight on cash why not suggest doing something fun and low cost? This shows me that you are open to a low cost alternative for your date. I mean if dude is too broke to date he needs to stay at the crib. Even on early dates I offer to pay for part of the date i.e. you pay for dinner and I will pay for the movie. I also see that you said: I usually I don't have a problem offering, but I do it - I do not like to be asked or demanded upon me to fork out the money for a date. As you shouldn't! Because a guy asking you up front is TACKY! Men should go out prepared to deal with the money situation however it will be and so should WOMEN. I believe women should go out prepared to finance the whole date just in case you run into a cheep skate like this dude you are talking about! Yeah I would straight ask him, "Dude, if you can't afford to go out why you calling me asking me out on a date?" Get ya broke ass out of here! I agree your child support is YA PROBLEM not mine. UGH I feel for you girl!

As far as the whole car situation yeah it is a lil sketchy. I want someone who will celebrate and encourage me when I do things or at least acknowledge it! AND If he is so damn broke paying child support how was he able to trade his car in? Did he downgrade? Yeah he sounds like loser material, sorry. I hate to judge but I call em as I see em.

As for the dating scene in the DMV....yeah no comment. (LOL) However I will say this; I came all the way across the world to South Korea which is one of the most populous places in the world. There are ONLY a little more than a million foreigners here so even less black men and I managed to find a fine, hardworking, family oriented, open minded, spiritually in tune black man to seriously date within 6 months of being here. I lived in the DMV for a little over a year where there are black men EVERYWHERE and was encountered with HOTNESS left and right! NO JUDGEMENT ON DMV MEN THOUGH! LOL I know I aint meet every man it has to offer. (Thank GOD)

Happy Hunting!,

Up&Coming Buppie