Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ummm....What About The Ring?

So recently I have noticed more and more women I know are having babies. It's like a damn epidemic. Granted I know we are at that age and this is about the time when many young adults begin to start families. However that's just it, START FAMILIES. In my opinion starting a family starts with an engagement followed by a marriage. But many of these women are having babies with long time boyfriends or men they were just dating and decided that they were going to have these babies. My question is this...... Is marriage obsolete in the situation of having a baby now?

My answer is NO! I personally do not plan on having a baby UNLESS I am married and I have discussed this thoroughly with my significant other. (Now I understand accidents can happen which is why as a woman I am personally doing everything I can to make sure there are no accidents.) Like seriously, I don't get it ladies. Now say for instance you are getting up there in age and you just want to have a baby before your body gets too old to reproduce. In this case I can kind of understand the whole getting pregnant without a ring. However, the women I am referring to are between the ages of 22-28. Like can someone explain to me why you are having numerous babies for a man you are not married to? You are educated, beautiful and young. Now fellas be honest, let's say you meet this attractive and moderately successful woman and you all go out for dinner. How are you going to feel when she tells you that she has two kids? You still going to want to get dessert?

I guess my thing is this, I feel the sanctity of marriage is something that is often overlooked in our generation especially among Blacks. Which could be argued is why the state of the black community and the black family is effed and blah blah blah. (I really do not want to venture too far down that road.) I have spoke to quite a few black men about this topic and how ultimately I want to be married before I start a family.

I often get met with comments like:

What is that marriage certificate really gonna do for you?!

I mean as long as you the "main" you should be good. If everything works the way it is why you need to get married?

Man you just want the jewelry!

If we been together for 6 years and it works like this why must we get married to bring meaning to it? It's meaningful just the way it is.

Fortunately for me none of these men are MY man. (Whew!) But people you all don't see the problem with this school of thinking? And women you don't see the problem with being a "baby mama" or long term "wifey" and not his actual WIFE? Let me enlighten you all then. If he wants an out, he has one that's why he won't marry your ass. Simple as that. Now if you are okay with having a baby with someone like that or with a man that just isn't ready to be a real husband than yes we do have a chronic problem within our community.

Finally let me say this, I am the product of a couple that was never married. I was blessed to have two parents that made a GREAT parental team despite the fact that they never got married. Still as a person who grew up in this situation I know the negative effects it can have on that child. Which may be even more reason why I am determined not to have my children out of wedlock.


FiGZ said...

If ur willing to I would like to know the negative effects an unmarried parental team has on a child?

I feel you 100% and agree. I'm not having babies unless I'm married and ways of making sure there are no hiccups or unprepared-for-babies I strap it up, put on my raincoat, sheath my sword, and any other common analogy...LOL

Scarlett said...

I agree. Seems like I keep having this conversation with folks too. I'm not saying that those singles parents aren't doing a great job and that their kids are doomed. But the world is a tough enough place that I will do whatever I can within my power to create the best environment possible for my own children. And my ideal environment includes a loving, married mother and father. I'm 30 and desperately want my own family, people keep telling me to "just adopt", "you don't need a man", no thanks...I don't "need" a job either, but it sure makes life easier! I think intentionally having children on your own is selfish. Children are wonderful and all, but they are not playthings to be brought into the world to fulfill your need for unconditional love. They are there to BE loved.

Somethin Special... said...

Ament to this post and the first two comments. I agree with all three of you. I had this conversation with my younger sister a few weeks ago. She and her significant other(...of 10+ years parents of my beautiful niece and nephew)feel the same way some of those guys do. But my thing is people tend to have that kind of thinking because people are living the marriage lifestyle and not getting married so "marriage" to them is just a ring and a piece of paper.. and of course the free booze at a big party.
If these people couldn't spend excess amount of time with their partners, have sex, live with, have kids, etc. i.e. the original (as far as i'm concerned STILL the benefits of) marriage they would be singing a different tune. To reap the benefits of a marriage without gettin married in my opinion is just playing house. If you playing house to make it REAL is to just get the certificate. But thats only because your reaping the benefits of something you don't have already and in our society its allowed so *shrug* Whaddiya gonna do?
I for one stopped rubbing pregnant bellies and started rubbing engagment and wedding rings years ago when I realized I didn't want a BABY I wanted a FAMILY. Good luck and God speed to all your friends.. and mine too.. Who have decided to go the road more traveled I guess.

Up&Coming Buppie said...

To answer Figz question: If ur willing to I would like to know the negative effects an unmarried parental team has on a child?

I have touched upon this before in another blog entry. But as I have gotten older and have embarked on relationships I have realized that I have never seen a functional relationship and how it works as I was growing up. I don't necessarily know what it means to be the woman and to let the man "be the man". My mom is now married and I see how because of all her years of being single and independent she's just learning how to do this. Sometimes in the role of a wife, girlfriend or significant other a woman has to SHUT UP and let a man play his role. There is a man whom I love very much and I find I do things a little differently with him because I want the longevity of his companionship. So at times I have to let him take charge and be quiet even if I may think there is a better way to do something.

Fortunately for me my father has always been a positive presence in my life. He is my "close confidant." But he is ANTI-marriage in a lot of ways. He has never had the desire to be married and I saw the effects that had on my mother at one point in my life and it was saddening because at that young tender age I really wanted that family. But growing older I understand that my parents sole purpose of being together was to create me and I understand and am thankful for that. I could not IMAGINE seeing them function as a couple.

This is all I really feel comfortable sharing. I hope it brings a little clarity.

Jerlyn said...

It's funny, I don't agree that you need to be married to have children... Even if I'd like to before I did.

I think that marriage is all based on your beliefs (and it's funny marriage doesn't even come from Christianity). I do believe in a strong parental team -- don't get me wrong. I believe that just as long as your values coincide with each other, a ring isn't going to do anything... you're probably better off writing a legal contract and signing it than have a ring be your agreement.

The Tenant said...

I agree with Jerlyn, I believe in a strong parental team but getting married is a business decision not a religious or value based (as some people have tricked themselves into thinking).

If two people are totally happy with each other, what does getting married do? It just makes it easier for the government to keep tabs on people. In a society where more than half of marriages end in divorce, isn't it time that people start falling back from this whole marriage thing and start focusing on being happy?

I'm back...but not blogging lol

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