Friendships. It is human nature for us to want to belong and relate to others. My problem is I don't trust folks. Friendships, relationships whatever require you letting people close to you. That can leave you vulnerable. As I have grown up and observed, my friendship circle grows smaller. Why? Because I do not require much upkeep. I do not really care if people like me or not. Friends are a reflection of you.
Case in point, have you ever had a friend who was just a straight hoe? You thought she was madd cool, but she just like a freak. I mean OD Superhead, Two girls and One cup ish . Then all of sudden, folks start coming at you sideways? Thinking you are on some freaking ish?
You are who you hang out with. It is truly a reflection of you. This is why if you grew up in the hood and got buppitized, You love your hood friends, but you can no longer relate to them.
It hurts, but its life growing pains. Buppie's hang with Buppie's. It not exclustivity its a way of life.
Besides that, How many of us have true friends these days? Someone who really holds you down? Can tell you about yourself and you not feel no type of way? Who is on the same life track as you?
So this week in U.S. News Dick Cheney has been on his "cover my ass" tour making appearances on all these news shows to defend the Bush policies, particularly the ones dealing with torture. Obama has already stated that he is open to the prosecution of these crimes because if the US was indeed waterboarding prisoners and employing a host of other torture like tactics, which they were, NEWSFLASH that is torture. And according to the United Nations Convention Against Torture the practices employed by the CIA under the consent of the Bush administration officials were illegal. So now it is up to U.S. courts and prosecutors to prove that the memos were written with the intention to incite torture.
It is so funny to me how the U.S. wants to be the driving force behind putting these world rules into play about what is allowed and not allowed. However, when we break the rules we expect everyone to turn a blind eye and just let us do what we do without repercussions. I was honestly a little disappointed when Obama first seemed hesitant in giving the go ahead to prosecute these acts. I think how the U.S. moves on from this will be a big indicator of our future standing in the world and in our foreign relations. If we are honestly trying to clean up the foreign policy mess that Bush made I believe it is imperative for these acts to not go unpunished and for us to face the same responsibility as the rest of the world for these crimes.
Cheney should be the first one prosecuted with his lying, two faced, conniving ass! He insists that these tactics have kept us safe and were essential for our post 9/11 security. Just like how we went to fight a war against people who didn't even attack us on 9/11, right Dick??? I am with Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen. He says, “The Obama administration ought to call Cheney’s bluff, if it is that, and release the memos." Let’s see the memos and decide for ourselves whether harsh interrogations saved American lives.
And poor Nancy. This broad doesn't know if she is coming or going! I am inclined to believe she may not be telling the whole truth!
"I was not briefed! I was just informed that the briefing had taken place." Ok Nance, Soooo ummm even if this is the truth you aint feel the need to get briefed. I mean this is U.S. integrity we are talking about here. But this junk is getting messier and messier. Now she is flat out saying the CIA are some LIARS! Like they aint tell me what they were doing! Soooo we know the CIA aint going out like that. They responded, "Let me be clear. It is not our policy or practice to mislead Congress," CIA Director Leon Panetta wrote in a message to agency employees that was released to the public. "That is against our laws and our values." I honestly do not know who to believe because I do not believe the CIA is the most honest organization either.
All I have to say is this, NO immunity for ANYONE! They need to get to the bottom of this and punish them all! I am sick of poltitcal figures and government getting a slap on the wrist for committing major crimes meanwhile Ray-Ray's in jail because he had a dime bag.
The other day me and MNG were on our way to dinner. I have noticed when the two of us are walking around in South Korea HE gets A LOT of attention. Everywhere we go Koreans are like "Hello! My name is..." or say something else in Konglish to get him to talk to them. I mean people stare at me and occasionally say hi and strike up conversation but I am nowhere near his popularity status. Maybe it is because he is a big black dude and that is just more interesting to Koreans. Who knows? Anyway back to the story at hand. We are walking down the street and a group of Korean teenagers approach us and say to MNG, "YO YO YO!"
I already knew the reaction that was coming because we had discussed this. He HATES when Koreans say "YO" to him! He doesn't like the fact that they think this is an appropriate way to address a black man that they meet. He has told me how he has corrected his students about it as well and now they know better than to say that to him. However, I have reminded him that we are in a foreign country and this just may be the perception that they have. Best Bup says he needs to get over it and realize that Koreans that do this do not know any better. But MNG asks if he said "ching chang chong chow" to a Korean wouldn't they be mad?
This made me think about all the wild stuff Koreans say and how when I get home I will be a lot more tolerant to ignorance. I also wonder if I should really be offended by some of the HOTNESS that Korea has hit me with thus far.
Wild sh*t Koreans say. Should we be offended?:
Ju Ju Boooooong!- So when Best Bup and another friend of ours were at dinner the waitress says to them "JU JU BOOOOONG!" They had no idea what she was saying but they were on a mission to find out. Later in the week they discovered that this means, "Big Tittieeeees!" Needless to say I was LMAO!
Nice face but you no good you have no boobs- So a few weeks ago I get in a cab and the driver greets me in broken English. I was a little relieved because that helps me when it comes to telling him my destination. He then proceeds to say random things that just blew me. He says, "You have pretty face! But you no good! You have no boobs. I like big boobs!" Again I was LMAO! Like dude I know I am a member of the itty bitty titty committee but you feel the need to say that wild shit to me???
Teacher, You don't taste like chocolate!- So my first month here a student licked my arm and then looked at me perplexed and stated, "Teacher, you don't taste like chocolate?!" Fa real kid????! I thought that was kinda cute though after I was done being grossed out.
Bali Bali!- This in Korean means hurry hurry. While at the ticket window trying to get information about the bus schedule the random Korean chick behind us smacks Best Bup's purse and says, "BALI BALI!" Best Bup is workin on "not being such an asshole" so she kept her cool and just rolled her eyes at the chick.
There are many more stories of hotness than this but I am drawing some blanks at the moment. But we all know if these things were said or done in America it would be more of an issue. But here I am learning to just let things roll off or use them as an opportunity to enlighten if I can.
Women to Women. How are your relationships with your female friends, colleagues, associates?
When one was younger, it was like we wanted to be friends with everyone and their momma. It would bother us so much to hear someone bad mouth us.
Now, many if us have limited true connections with women. The older I get the more I appreciate those female relationships in my life. Here is my call to action to all my female bups out there: Examine your relationships with women. What is your levels of trust? What prevents you from improving your female relationships?
Excuse my manners, let me reintroduce myself. I am Dr. J, and i'm in my mid-twenties doing my young professional in DC. I try and stay out of the spotlight, unless i've been drinking Henny and listening to Plies. However, I try to be provocative, but at times i'm sure i'll just flat out piss you off. But there's a science to this madness. My personal blog is at, thebookofjackson.blogspot.com and i'm also on singleblackmale.net. Please indulge me in your comments, I love them. Any that's enough about me, more about buppies. Keep it 100.
Have you ever been to Fly on a Monday? Eye Bar on a Tuesday? Josephine's on a Wednesday? I think that at Thursday the weekend begins. Some people don't have to work the next day so they can hang out late, plus we've been trained since college to enjoy Thirsty Thursdays. I've been out on a Monday and the first thing I notice is that there are several different crowds in the place. There's one crowd who looks like they are there for a bday or just to hang out for a special occasion. They usually arrive at close to 10 and depending on the night try and get out of there around midnight. The real question, Who are these people who just showed up at 12?
Sometimes I sit there and watch these people who roll in to a club at 12AM, and i'm like OK you clearly don't have a job. I look at some of the outfits that some women wear and i'm like, you don't have a job. Because what you do not realize is that at ANY TIME, someone in your professional network can touch your social network. I have heard stories where someone says, "Hey I think I saw your co-worker on my friend's facebook album. They were in the background with their ass out and dancing on the couch." And then joof. So anyone with tact is going to keep that to a minimum.
I'm also concerned when I know people who are at every event a certain promoter has. Back in the day, people used to be very careful with the WERUNDC circuit, because it was all the same people every night. EyeBar, 1223, Pearl, Love/Avenue and Republic Gardens, Tuesday-Saturday without fail. If you saw someone at one, chances are you saw them at them all. Fly on Mondays was always the secret that people didn't want to share because they wanted to act responsible. Now when I see you at these events every night, I know i'm a damn fool for being out every night, but i've never done it consecutively like that. I just get tired of hanging out in one crowd too long, but WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? And you know there are some people who are just party-goers. They don't really have real jobs and some don't have jobs. Some are in school. Some are like myself just always out everyday, but now in my olden years, i'm like, nah chill. I be at home sipping hot tea and doing work until 10PM and tired as hell. My advice to the new class of Buppies who are entering into this social life, please be mindful that not everyone you party with has the same responsibilities as you. It's been many a nights, that I let some idiots convince me to stay out until 2am in a club on a Tuesday and then I struggled the next day at work. It's one thing to be hungover on Friday, it's another on Wednesday. For those of you who don't have jobs. I can see you. I wonder why you showed up to a young professional networking event anyway. (Sidenote, I don't believe that networking event marketing ploy one bit. I have very rarely ever met someone I would consider in my professional network at one of these happy hours, open bars, etc. Most times, I just see ignorant people with no jobs.) You know you can tell someone definitely doesn't have a job by sometimes what they wear and when they show up. If you just showed at 12AM, in tee shirt and tennis shoes, i'm wondering what's going on???
And another thing, doesn't it bother you that when you go out during the week and you have on clothes that suggest you have a job and some type of sense of responsibility... you also take the time out to be dressed according to the arbitrary dress code on the flyer or email, and then you see people in the club in tee shirts, jeans and sneakers. Like seriously, it all lets me know the dress code is arbitrary and negotiable. I don't know that's just my pet peeve.
In conclusion, when you first get out of school it's OK to get all that recklessness out of your system. When you realize that you want to do better in your career and just your life, you'll fall back. On occasion you will find yourself out far later than you expected, and that's OK, there's nothing wrong with that. If you find yourself out every day of the week. Especially in a uber-lounge or club setting, reevaluate. I know several people who go out every night, but they go to restaurants and cool bars. Those are low key and low energy level. And you guys know I love me some Rick Ross, but if you hear it in the club, please exit Avenue (now Lux Lounge) as soon as possible.
I mean… what more can I say? Everyone these days is friends with benefits, you relationship fearing assholes. I’m going to step out of logic for a second and be real on the subject. I really advise against the situation. I mean I just don’t think you can really be friends because people will not want to share everything with their FwB. Like you can be my FwB, but do you really want me to tell you about all the other people I’m sleeping with? Can I really tell you that while I’m just having sex with you, that I’m really trying to see what’s good with this other girl who is wifey material?
There are a few way these things can end up for you:
(1) Someone is going to catch feelings. And when they do, they may not even inform you. But don’t front player, that ish is coming out sooner or later. And I got my money on at the worst time ever. For example, at happy hour you are talking about how you are happy to be single because you are free to go where you please with a group of friends. Your FwB storms out the room to the bathroom and returns with red and watery eyes talking about she has to go.
(2) You’re going to catch feelings. And when you do, damn homie… in high school you was the man homie. Imagine a conversation like this: Bliggity: Yeah, so I think I’m starting to feel this chick. Rod: Whoa man, you said, y’all was just f*cking. Bliggity: Don’t you think I know what I said. Rod: I’m just saying man, you over here talking about, “I think I love this girl.” Bliggity: No I’m not. I’m just saying, I’m starting to feel the chick. Rod: Of course you know this means that she just went from a chick you’re beating, to “the” chick you’re beating. Bliggity: This why I don’t tell you nothing. If there is anything worse than a guy who wants nothing to do with a chick who catches feelings, it’s a chick who wants nothing to do with a guy who catches feelings. Know your role and stay in your lane, chief. The best thing for you to do in the situation is wait a little while longer for her to catch feelings and if she doesn’t just step off.
(3) A misunderstanding of the rules because you have no expectation to set them. Nakita: I want to talk to you about something. X: Yeah, what’s good? Nakita: Are you messing with somebody else? X: Um.. why is that important? Nakita: Because if we’re going to be messing, you can’t be messing with anybody else? X: [hangs up the phone] Ain’t it crazy when a chick who doesn’t want to be in a relationship wants to prevent you from finding a situation that works better for you?
(4) MY PERSONAL FAVORITE. When she realizes that she’s catching feelings and it’s not what she wants to do, she backs off. Then the guy is like, “I do not have feelings, so I’m not sure what’s going on. She said she doesn’t want to catch feelings, and I have not caught any feelings, and so I’m not sure why she’s leaving if we’re still on the same page.” I have no advice, I haven’t figured it out either.
(5) Someone gets in a real relationship. Damn Gina. a. The real funny thing about this situation is, she’s going to introduce her FwB to her new boyfriend as just a friend. And I’m still trying to figure out if it’s better to be the dude who’s got the girl, and she only goes to that other dude for a fix, or the guy who is meeting the guy who now has the girl on a full-time basis and occasionally is summoned to hit it, NSA (no strings attached). Trifling ass broads. i. This is why I always assume that a girl that I’m talking to has slept with all her male friends unless they’re gay. And even then, I’m still a little suspecting. LOL.
(6) Someone doesn’t want to be in a FwB situation anymore, they want a relationship, just not with you. Damn Gina. That’s what your ass gets for messing with someone on a level that they don’t respect you as relationship material, Real Talk.
See the big issue here is the lack of requirement of communication. It’s not really like you have to talk about feelings, and so you don’t. Besides, who likes talking about feelings anyway. As much as people think that women always catch feelings, men are very territorial. So while he may not want to wife her down, he wants to be able to have her when he wants her and doesn’t really want anyone else to have her.
Here are the basic ground rules, in my personal, unsolicited opinion of FwB:
(1) Honesty is expected.
(2) If question is asked it must be answered. Don’t be an idiot and ask questions that you really don’t want the answers to.
(3) Periodically an honest conversation should occur about whether the person would like to be in a relationship. Not necessarily with one another, but just in general.
(4) Don’t be so sensitive. (I know I am just as guilty as the next guy on this one, I’m just saying lmao.)
(5) Understand that everyone has feelings.
(6) Most IMPORTANT rule of life: Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. If you are thinking about doing something, think to yourself, “Would I be upset if she did this to me?” or “Since I’m going to do it anyway, how do I prepare myself for her to do it back to me?”
Lastly, and most importantly never ever… EVER confuse FwB with someone you’re just having sex with. But that’s another blog for another day. And after the summer/winter of the side piece is over, next week expect a blog on that too. You are not ready, Aye!
At 25 years of age how much should you really know about where you are headed and what you want to do with your life?
This is the question that Best Bup has been asking herself a lot lately. She is kind of worried, as she puts it 5 steps from being frantic, because she feels she has no direction of where her life is going and what she should be doing. She often asks me, "What are we gonna do after we leave Korea?" And my thoughts are, "Well damn I don't know we just got here." However, 3 out of our first 12 months have passed in a blur and I know that the rest of the months are going to fly by too. There are many questions I ask myself when thinking about this.
How long will I live overseas?
When I do return to the states what is my plan of action?
When I do return how am I going to make ends meet in this sh*tty economy?
Am I going to grad school? Do I really want to work for somebody again or do I want to go into business for myself?
Where am I going to live when I get back?
The whole thought of it stresses me out so I try not to think about it and just live in the moment. Then I think realistically at 25 years of age how much should I really know about what I want to do with my life? How much direction should I really have and if I am stuck and do not have much direction at this point in time should I be stressed?
For you bups out there that have it all figured out I am applauding you right now at my keyboard! (Applause) And for the others that are still unsure about exactly where your life is headed, particularly professionally, are you worried?
Okay so I have been in Korea since February and shortly after arriving I met Mr. Nice Guy (MNG). He is a nice gentleman from Georgia who I just happen to think is gorgeous so I began to get to know him and things are going surprisingly well. Now even though MNG is in fact an extremely nice guy he is still a man so I am mindful of my interaction with him because men can change very quickly if something rubs them the wrong way. However, I have been being myself and he seems to like that so hey it is comfortable and it works for the both of us.
However as a woman who has been scorned, heartbroken, and has messed up myself in past relationships I have been very mindful that I do not bring baggage and that I continue to learn and recollect from past lessons. These are some of the things that have crossed my mind and I think are reasons why me and MNG click so well.
1) Do NOT talk about ex's when you are getting to know someone. MNG and I have had ONE conversation about past relationships and it was almost like a "let's get this out the way" conversation so we don't have to talk about it ever again. A mistake I have made in the past has been referencing an ex too much and it bugs the SHIT out of me when the man I am dating does it. If you are truly over the person there aint that much to say about them. And needless to say MNG and I do not feel the need to talk about it. We may share experiences occasionally but there is no need to really dwell on what went wrong in your last relationship if you learned from it.
2) Listen to him talk! Men looooooooove to talk about themselves. Many times I think secretly they like to talk about themselves more than women. Now as a woman I sometimes want to interject and give my "5 cents" on the matter or simply tell one of my own stories but I DON'T! Sometimes you have to just let a guy talk and JUST LISTEN! They appreciate it and you learn a LOT about them as you let them run their traps.
3) There is NO NEED to talk everyday! I have made this mistake in the past! This point may be just for me personally but I do NOT need to speak with the man I am dating everyday. I mean if a text message or an email is exchanged instead that is cool with me. But I do not need to spend endless hours with you on the phone and talk to you at 9pm every night. Let me reiterate this may just be me. I actually enjoy having to catch up with someone because we haven't talked in a few days.
4) Encourage him when he speaks about his goals and aspirations. In relationships rather it be my homegirl or my man I always support and encourage people I care about when they are passsionate about achieveing something. MNG has shared a number of goals he has and he also has a pretty decent action plan to achieve them. I respect that so I give props where props are due. Now don't get me wrong at times people can have outlandish or unrealistic goals. But who am I to judge if you are proactively seeking and working towards your dreams. Women often are their man's biggest critic instead of being their man's biggest supporter.
5) If you got a problem JUST SAY IT! Honesty is key and one thing I have learned in my dealings with men is that if you have a problem you need to say it. Men are not mind readers and it aint bothering anyone but you if you do not speak what's on your mind. The man may not even know that you got a problem because YOU HAVE NOT SAID ANYTHING! And it is all in the delivery of how you bring the "problem" to him. Essence had a good article entitled "Was It Something I Said?" in their April 2009 issue which touched upon this quite well. Many times with men it is not what you say but HOW you say it. And if it aint that big of a "problem" just let it go!
6) Do not tell your girls every detail about your interactions with dude! This is very very very important. Every convo, encounter, and thought you have with or about your significant other should not be shared even with your closest friends for sooooo many reasons. Men appreciate this too because in my opnion most men do not like ya homegirls knowing everything about what is going on between you and him. I have made this mistake and have seen the effects of how too much communication with my friends can cause serious detriment to my relationship. I share some things with my friends but definitely not the majority.
I am no relationship guru but these are some things I have learned from the past and they seem to be helping me as I get to know MNG. We genuinely enjoy one another's company, give each other space, and communicate effectively with one another.
Hiya Readers, I had to put you all on to what so many of my friends are raving about.
"It's fun.. It's interactive.. You can call in or type alongside the talkshow in the chat and they'll air your comments."
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/NONSTOPRADIOSHOW
This Sunday's topic:
Ladies do you really have any true platonic male friends? Lets be honest, even if you weren't interested hasn't every male friend you have, had a crush on you, tried to holla, or tried to smash at one point or another? Forcing you to quietly escort him to the friend zone? Leaving him there permanently...
Fellas same question, how exactly did you end up friends with all theses girls who resemble each other and your last 3 girlfriends? do you keep friends that are your "type" because at one time you had an alternative motive??? Did you get diverted to the friend zone or hear the, "you're like a brother to me" speech and played your position until you realized it is what it is, lets just be friends?
This Sunday we are going to go in on platonic friends and get to the bottom of whether or not they really ever exist truthfully, OR are they a byproduct of something else turned "FRIENDSHIP".
We talked about this before in my "Boundaries" blog and "friendships vs relationships" and I feel like we should start the convo early in its pure form straight up is it possible, how does it happen and why or why not???!!!
You are in line waiting in the cold, to get inside the club. You have been waiting a hour. You cannot feel your toes, and you cannot afford to pay that $50 to get in the VIP line. Up comes the a group of pretty girls. Laughing , giggling. They walk straight to the front. They know an inside man, they walk right in.You see this group of girls everywhere too. They also get the A-List treatment. What are they doing that you are not?Is is so easy to say they are letting folks BEAT, BEAT, BEAT. Yep thats some of it. However
First and foremost. Let it be known. There are differences between a buppie and a socialite.
Where as buppie has socialite characteristics, a socialite is not automatically a Buppie. Socialite's have their ranges as well. They could be master networkers or just attention whores.
In particular I would like to discuss the MISLEAD SOCIALITE. You may know one. The person who truly enjoys the splendors of the night and social scene. Makes it their entire life to be the front of the line crew. Cannot help but tell you how they never pay to get in, Know every night spot inside out, and name drops promoters, and bouncers like you all are playing JEOPARDY.
What upsets me most, is that this is their life. This is what they use to distinguish themselves. They like the appearance of being elite but are truly not doing anything to truly be better. MISLEAD on the entire purpose.
The same chick or DUDE looking extremely fresh in the on the night scene, skipping line, Drinking other folks liquor....etc Is the same person who stop going to school to pour their life in just being a nightlife socialite. Not using it as leverage, just want to be seen and cool. This is their gratification.
While I understand how fun it can be to be Socialite, and know alot of folks, how fulfilling is it when it does not do anything for your progression in life? Like for real, poppin bottles lasts for 2.5 hours. For 2.5 hours you are the man. Then what? You go home, and realize that 1 G you just spent should have been spent on your damn rent!!
