Friday, February 15, 2008

Partnership vs Passion

As I look back on Valentine's Day this year it makes me think about being a single black woman out here. Of course you have no choice to think about that because there are people showing affection all around you. However, my V-Day was quite relaxing and enlightening. I read a column by a journalist named Laurie Godley entitled the Miriam Piece. She emphasized that women, particularly women who are getting to be "middle aged" and are single need to stop being so preoccupied with passion and think more about partnership. She thinks that women are too picky and obsessed with the thought of meeting a prince charming and are not practical. She believes that ladies are nit picky and often write off a perfectly good man off of little flaws or because they do not fit into their tiny box of percection. Godley, who is now 41 years old and single with a son, looks back on many men she dated and just never called again because they didn't "knock her socks off." She says she looks back and thinks that if she had to do it all over again she may have given more of those fellas a chance because all in all they were good guys. It is her belief that having a mate, especially as you get older, needs to be more about partnership. What can each party bring to the table? The passion is not a priority to her because most people do not realize that when you are married you barely have time to be passionate if you are both professional people and if you have children. So to her it is more about reliability and honesty among other things. Call me a hopeless romantic, but this was truly disheartening to me. I mean nothing in this world is perfect so I do not excpect my mate to be but man I want PASSION! I want to be in love!

This made me think about a lot of my buppie friends and some of their gripes about men and what they think about settling down. Keep in mind these are not necessarily any of my personal views FELLAS. Just some things that I have observed or heard.

1) He has kids! Personally I think at this point in our lives, black women you may need to be understanding to the fact that your first child may not be your mate's first child. There are a lot of professional black women that I know will write a man off based on the fact that he already has a kid(s). So this is something that may take a bit of work but I think if you honestly love someone and he is a good man this should not be a deciding factor.

2) I love him but I do not want to take on his bad credit. Okay so yes I am guilty. I have made a comment before about FICO scores but hey no one is perfect and if a man is working on his situation as far as credit goes I understand. However, I do know someone very close to me that married a man who has completely different financial priorities than her so it puts a serious strain on their relationship. All I am saying is make sure you aren't about to marry "big spender who pays no bills on time." Credit says a lot about a person's financial habits. Many people run their credit up in school and it haunts them for years after. I understand hell I did some damage to mine in my college years. However it is about learning from it, fixing it and not making the same bad mistakes. So I definitely understand a woman or a man's reservations on this.

3) He just isn't about his business. This is a comment that I have heard in regards to a man and his working situation. One of my buppie friends is always talking about how her significant other is always saying he wants to do big things professionally but he is not taking strides to do it. She said she would not mind being the bread winner but c'mon you have a college degree get a real job. I think, personally, if you are in love with someone you should help to encourage and assist this person in their professional goals. Black women tend to gnag and criticize instead of encourage and cultivate. However this has a flipside fo sho! If he has no motivation to get out of his rut and stays talkin but there is no action I think it may need to be re-examined and understood that things need to change

4) He is too soft. I need a man with more of a spine! All I have to say to this one is be careful what you wish for ladies. I understand just be careful.

So are we as black women too picky? Who knows?! It is totally subjective. One of my sorors said to me on V-Day, "I am not sad about being alone today. If there is no man in my life right now at least I am not wasting my time settling just in the spirit of the day. The right one just hasn't come along yet." This was inspiration for me to do some self evaluation and to pamper myself for V-Day. This is so when he does come along he will get a confident and whole woman who is satisfied with herself and ready!

Hope everyone had a GREAT Valentine's Day!

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