Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Equal Opportunity Dater

So I have been thinking a lot lately about of my dating experiences since moving to DC. I have had a few really good and really bad dates. I truly enjoy meeting new people. But I have noticed quite a few white and Latino men hit on me when I am out. I always kind of played it to the side like ehhh I'm not interested because he is not black. This made me really sit back and think about why I have these thoughts. This is something that I think about regularly because one of my best friends is in a relationship with white guy and I am getting ready to attend the wedding of one of my childhood friends who is marrying a white guy. So this got me to thinking maybe I should really practice what I preach about being an equal opportunity dater.

One thing that amuses me about this topic is that many black men do not like the thought of a black woman with a white man. (Not all black men have a problem with this. I am just saying a lot I talk to do.) And there are many different reasons. One reason given by a guy I know is that when he sees a white man and a black woman he immediately thinks "massah and his whench." I was like whaaaat?! But then he explained it just reminded him of how it seems it would have been in slave times. Then, he went on to say, "You ever notice in most instances when you see a white man with a black woman, the woman has natural hair? Like unpermed or dreads? Like they want an authentic African looking woman." I thought that was a bit extreme then for the next few weeks I noticed that every time I saw this type of interracial couple the woman had natural hair. Weird!

My main reservation is I feel like many white men, particularly the ones who hit on me, look at me as an experiment. Like they see black women as these ultra sexual beings that they can have fun with! My bestfriend says that white men are attracted to me because of my small frame and that goes further into my point. I don't want to be no white man's freaky black toy. WTF?! I remember freshman year of college I went on a date with a white guy and the whole time he was just making sly sexual comments and I was super uncomfortable. Needless to say I never went out with him again and when I saw him on campus I darted the other way. But many of my male friends have told me that the white men that do hit on me do think like this. (I hope my friends are being honest with me and are not simply hating.)

I just simply think that I am possibly missing out on a lot of decent men if I do not date outside my race. Like I am limiting my options and that's not cool is it? Another problem I have is I am honestly not attracted to very many white men. It is very rare I break my neck to look at a white guy. Here are a few tho that I always look twice at:

Good Ol' Brad Pitt. This man is sexy

David Beckham! Go Victoria cuz this man aint bad! I'd break my neck on this one.

This man makes me CRAZY!!!! I LOVE James Franco. I'd throw my panties at him.

Heeeyy Marky Mark! He's a cutie.

Paaauuuuul Walker! Yes sir! SMFH!

If a white man of the caliber of any of these men stopped me on the street I may be off the market quickly. Wrap me UP! So the next white guy who stops me coming out of Target or I see while bar hopping in Adams Morgan I am going to challenge myself to open my mind and entertain it. Who knows where it may lead?


The District's Buppie said...

mmmm white

FiGZ said...

at least your being honest. personally, i don't think there is anything wrong with diversifying your dating portfolio. it only increases your knowledge of the opposite sex. i love this blog.

Anonymous said...

It's funny that you wrote this b/c I was in Wal-mart like two weeks ago and I swear there were like 5 mixed couples (black woman, white man) there!

I also read somewhere that if we (black women) want to EVER get married we would have to open ourselves up to dating outside of our race. Now I have a WB crush (Josh Duhamel) but that is just fantasy...would I ever date a real life white boy? Can't see myself doing it. I think as far from home that I could go is Hispanic...maybe.

K. Koje said...

First of all, it's time to get off the slave kick. Long past time actually. I believe any person should be with any other person of their consent and choosing without being "projected" upon by others. Who is living that life? Those who do! Who is responsible for the consequences of their choice? Those who make the choice.

I am a black male who believes black women should move beyond black men if they aren't finding what they need. However, my caveats are simple. They are the same as I use for dating outside or inside my race but apply especially when interracial dating is involved. Here is my breakdown:

Is this person, in choosing me, doing so for the right reasons?

Is their choosing of me consistent with their choices of other friends?

Are they choosing me for perceived hyper-sexual fantasies?

Is the tone of their family life reflective of their racial openness?

If not, are they strong enough in their convictions to make the choice anyway, should the prospect of marriage enter the picture?

It is very easy for black males to date white women these days. The truth of the matter is there was a time when I realized that I was being chosen, not for my own essential being but because these women wanted to respond to sexuality in much the same way they might with a horse. That is a very clammy idea and when I realized it, I put in place selectivity features in our interaction that made it quickly apparent what was up. Sisters, who have the added risk of pregnancy, should definitely think along these lines.

Also, make sure that the reason you are dating outside your race is for the right reasons. Failed relationships with black men or women and a subsequent generalization that its because they're black may actually be preventing you from some self-analysis that hides flaws in relationship dynamics you've somehow learned. Believe me! Just because you change races doesn't mean the problem disappears. Sometimes it is exacerbated.

Finally, choosing a person to love because of their race is racist. That in itself is the seed of failure and heartbreak.

The Tenant said...

"the real reason why black women get mad at interracial dating is because black women aren't attracted to white men. Don't get me wrong, they'll fuck a pretty white boy. They'll fuck Matthew McConaughey or George Clooney, or Brad Pitt. They'll give Beckham some pussy. But black men standards ain't that high, we'll fuck any white girl." ~CR

Love who loves you.

K. Koje said...

Correction: YOU! will f*** any white girl. This is level one shallow [not]thinking at its worst. The truth is, people who are careless will behave pretty much as you suggest. Even then the generalization is not necessarily true. If that is the way you really handle yourself, better get checked!

The typical reason anybody gets mad at interracial dating, is a poor training of thought that amounts to projecting their opinions, prejudices and social mores upon others because they are of the same culture. The recent spate of Muslim "honor" killings is an extreme example-and notice: These foul spirits feel free to dip into any female of any race at their leisure but should their sister or daughter do it-death is the answer! WTF IS THAT ALL ABOUT?!!!!! A man who kills his daughter for falling in love with somebody, a matter usually beyond her conscious control, should be summarily shot!

That said, too many black people assume that because the person across the street from them, across the county or even across the planet is the same color as themselves, their life experiences and social background are identical. That too is illogical.
Quite often the men or women who are suddenly so desirable when they are with a white person, couldn't get a date with the very folk who criticize them or worse, because of their bad experiences with those kind of folk, they generalize that all_________ are the same, overlook their own contribution to the dysfunctional relationship and fantasize wrongfully that it will be better with another race! Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

Projection and the jealousy or resentment that follow are both signs of character deterioration. Human is human. Our racial admixtures produce ever more beautiful people. Some people frown more on interracial sex than they do on interspecies sex! How whack is that!

Here is a clue for the clueless. To LIVE is the natural order of things. Living something we all have in common once we get the first smack on the butt and take that first breath. But quite often we stop living forward and start living in reverse. When that happens the word is EVIL. The first word-LIVE-is reversed.

When you descend spiritually into choosing people based on race rather than character, shopping for a spouse like you're shopping for meat in the super market, there is no mystery why you fail. EVIL is the most apt description. Unfortunately, when people persist in this unloving behavior and leave their bodies still unresolved of all this confusion, those who once LIVED now become DEVIL. A spirit who once lived but did so in reverse and live reversed in spirit, unable to go home to the creator of our souls!

Now here is the clue for those "black women who ever want to get married": As long as you refuse to humble down and get to know a man as a human being, as long as you reserve more of your conversation about you for your girlfriends instead of your men friends, as long as you continue to see marriage as your failsafe security mechanism for social status and a guarantee that you have a payoff at the end, instead of a spiritual union between compatible souls, as long as the superficial; looks, money, possessions, status continue to dominate how you choose, a successful marriage is not possible even if you do cross racial lines. Even when possible, the chances that your $40,000 dollar wedding will end in divorce is well over 70%.

Most of the typical "hot" brothers have far too many choices for any one sister to matter. Yet sisters flock to these cats like moths to a flame and get their wings burned off with single parenthood or worse! How stupid can you be to do over and over and over again something that didn't work for any woman you know, generation after generation? The same thing applies to white boys if not more so!

Learn a different sets of mental tools and social processes to get close to black males [or white males for that matter] long enough to show who you are. Otherwise your quest to accomplish a social objective [which is what marriage is ultimately-unless] becomes quite predatory and the prey is far more elusive than your best skills, obviously!

Abandon the superficial for some in-depth engagements with men so you can truly become friends, even before the first sex. Revisit some of those men you trust and adore and love as "just friends". 60% of the men you discount, holding out for something that only exists in your head would be great mates except for your nit-picking! Any of this making sense?

Men are human beings. Not mules, not ATM machines, not chauffeurs and not emotional whipping posts. If they are running from you, better get checked!

Brothers dishonor black women by demanding superficial contact for sex, refusing to honor the way God created her, to find a mate and have a family. But then again, this is not a race matter. White men do the same thing all over the world and with much greater impunity across racial lines. So it comes back to the woman again. If you allow it, you own it!

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